Is there an operation you can get to have your fingernails permanently sheared to a certain length? They appear to me to be the most pointless things in the world. Even less point to them than the male nipple. And the second male nipple.

And the third, if you’re lucky.

I’m aware of the uses of fingernails for the ladies – to make them look pretty and turn them into pieces of flair or whatever. Yeah, well done, you can keep them. I’m going to allow this.

And I can understand if I was some kind of caveman from the past who lived in a cave (and was a man). I might need nails to… I don’t know, dig. And stab. And dig some more. Or something. I don’t know, I’m a refined human being from the future and am barely a man, so I don’t know what they did back then.

I also don’t get involved in many scratching fights. Some, sure – who doesn’t? But not many. And I’ve only painted my nails when I’ve needed to be extra pretty, which I don’t need anymore because since I shed the tonnage I’m naturally beautiful.

Yes, I need a right thumbnail to be able to quickly and easily pierce the skin of a Clementine, but that could easily be worked around. I would figure out an easy way to use bluntnail, or simply carry a tool around with me at all times.

Though needing a tool would mean when I’m stranded on a desert island at some point in the future I won’t be able to quickly and easily peel the only nourishment available (I will be stranded on Clementine Island and it will be brilliant). Because I won’t have the tool. Well, unless I rescue it from the blimp before we come down.

Stupid blimp.

Where was I? Oh yes – laser my finger and toenails off please. Fit prosthetics in their stead. Then I won’t have to trim them ever again. I hate having to trim my nails.


1 Comment

Filed under Prattle


  1. Dan

    I had this exact same thought the other week. If I could take a pill to stop my nails growing, I would, as long as I only had to take the pill once, any more times and it’d become a bit of a chore.

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