Here Is A List Of Things I Will Never Do: The List: Part I

People are too positive – too aspirational. I even hate that word. Aspire. More like fuck off. Even Word doesn’t like aspirational. Probably because it’s not a real word. I don’t know. I don’t trust Word and its definitions of what is and isn’t language, as it’s always telling me my sentences are wrong. Stupid is wrong Word shut up; hmm?

People have hopes for tomorrow, they make lists of things they want to do in life. Even I’ve been guilty of falling into this trap of stupidity. Fortunately I’m not as thick as everyone else in the world, so I can balance it out by making a list of things I will never do.

It’s called the Here Is A List Of Things I Will Never Do: The List: Part I. I will never:

Own a snake
Only because the dog I will own would kill it, obviously. And the tank would be too expensive. And I value the lives of those poor little mice used as food. And… it’s definitely not just excuses because snakes are horrifying.

Go anywhere I might get shot in a war-type fashion
At least not intentionally. To think, at one point in my life I actually harboured some desire to be a war correspondent. Fortunately for my whole ‘being alive’ thing, I’m a tremendous coward.

Get rid of all the shit I don’t need, want or use
I like having stuff. I am a hoarder. It’s pathetic and I’ll end up in one of those TV shows about fat old weirdos who keep everything in their houses because they never had anything else to focus on apart from accruing shit over the years and it’s not like anybody cared about them anyway they just let them get on with it quietly and then as soon as they die or a TV camera comes into the house they all suddenly care and ‘he was always a bit weird’ and ‘I knew he was a bit off’ and all the rest of it because you’re all ignorant fuckers and leave me alone I like my piles of stuff and… umm.. hmm.

Go to the doctor when I should
I should’ve been for a couple of non-serious things by now. I say ‘by now’, I mean ‘in the last ten years’. I haven’t, and I won’t, and the thing I currently should go to the doctor about I probably won’t either.

Finish this list
Because why would I?


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