Yesterday and today I had burgers for tea. 1. Yes, I said “tea”. I’m northern. Get over it. 2. I made them myself, because I’m well cool and stuff and as soon as I have more than three minutes off work I suddenly get it in my head that I can indeed be bothered to make things and cook and stuff.
But there was something about my burgers: they were brilliant. Really, really nice burgers. So I’m going to do what I never expected to do – unless I’ve done it before and have forgotten about it – for my 800th blog entry I will give you all a recipe to follow and help create your own excellent burgers with.
You will need:
– Minced beef. I mean, you could get chunks of beef and mince it yourself, but we don’t all have beef mincers. I know some of you do, you posh beef-mincing bastards. Shut up. I bought 500g, but whatever.
– Egg. Those things that come out of chickens. Or ducks if you want to mess about with it. Or quails if you want to have to use about ten of them.
– Burger bread. You know it’s burger bread if it can be used to put burgers in it, meaning most bread is burger bread. I used brown because IT MAKES YOU POO MORE.
– Mushrooms. Horrible dirty fungus that prefers dank, dark, moist conditions. But enough about your mum ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
– Broccoli. I honestly think it’s an alien vegetable, which is fine because it’s delicious.
– Onion. Hah, not really. Fuck onion and everything it stands for.
– Salt, pepper, shit like that. Because we’re all mental for salt, pepper and shit like that. Wade Boggs.
Put the beef in a bowl and put the chopped up mushrooms and brockington in with it (I forgot to mention you’re supposed to chop them into small, itty bitty pieces). Crack egg over it – multiple eggs if it’s quail ones, like we went over – and mush it all up with your hands.
Oh, wash your hands before you do it otherwise you’ll get piss and dogshit all over the burger, because I know you’re always fiddling with those two things. Also the cock of a homeless man.
So yeah, mush it all up good and proper. Pretend it’s the flesh of a defeated enemy and you are going to feast on his (or her) meat in order to gain their courage.
OH SHIT YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT SALT AND PEPPER AND SHIT LIKE THAT IN TOO. You know, as much as you want, I don’t know – 500 grams? No, wait, that’s a smidge too much salt.
Right, so it’s all mushed up and shit, so you break it up into like four to six burgers, and shape them (like burgers) and then you fry them in a pan for a bit (usually until they’re cooked) and then put them in the burger bread and OH SHIT YOU NEED CHEESE TOO.
I’m so good at this.
Then you eat them with your mouth and later on you poo them out and you can re-make the burgers if you want.
Actually, don’t do that. Just… don’t.