Today, I will put on a list of ROMs (“old games” to the layman), randomly cycle through it and play whatever pops up for as long as I can be bothered. Then, I will write about it briefly.
I will do this until I am bor…
It is over. I am bored. All of the lols, that is the joke. LET’S GO:
First up issss: Blaster Master.
Right, so some kid just – HOLY SHIT HE LOST HIS FROG AND IT WENT IN SOME RADIOACTIVE SHIT OUTSIDE HIS BARN THEN BURROWED INTO THE GROUND. Man, game stories are amazing. Oh, and the kid found some giant tank thing and a space suit. I don’t even want to play the game. This story is just so… evocative. Visceral. Built from the ground up.
But I have played it now, for about three minutes. Because who can be bothered? Some sort of platformer in the vehicle he found underground except you’re now not underground and WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FROG? 7/10
Next up: Super Batter Up.
Unfortunately there’s still no sign of my burrowing radioactive frog, but there is sign of an old baseball game for the SNES. The title screen reminds me of ISS, which is something I suppose. The game? Well, it’s shit. Because baseball games tend to be shit. 7/10
Third we have: Zanac.
Another NES game, this time a scrolling shmup. Died really quickly here because, as it turns out, I was pressing the wrong fire button. Where the four-hour mandatory tutorial was, I do not know. 7/10
Fourth on the randomometer isssss: Power Piggs Of The Dark Age.
I hate videogames. 7/10
Fifth, and finally, and hopefully an arcade game, is: Pochi And Nyaa
Holy shit, Neo-Geo time. That opening jingle still makes me all happy and stuff. And it’s sort of like Columns, or Dr Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine and all that shit, except with the added super-bonus of every time you launch a successful attack on your opponent their screen gets filled with cats.
Or dogs. Can’t quite tell. This is great fun, though it’s the same as everything else ever in the puzzle world. It’s even made it so I want to PLAY MORE GAEMZ. 7/10
Rogue sixth entry goes to: Shadow Warriors.
Shit, son – what are the odds? I always – ALWAYS – wanted this on the Amiga. In fact I do think we got it at some point, but then it lost all its magic and I stopped caring so much. Fortunately I’m excited now, because I’ve just seen the bit with the ninja in the boat and I’m totally pumped for all the action it can throw at me.
Alright, so I’m two minutes older now and I just can’t be bothered. Seems like younger me had a point. 7/10
And yes, I did genuinely just do this. Such is the wonder and glory of my life (I actually really enjoyed it because games is good, yo).
I never did find my radioactive underground frog though.