Reasons to kill yourself, part I

There are many reasons to kill yourself. Some of them are stupid (copying Hitler). Some of them are honourable (said you’d copy Hitler for a dare). Some of them are a smidge misguided (ran out of beans; shop was shut).

But there are reasons you definitely should kill yourself, and I would like to provide the world with just a few examples of why you should. This post is inspired by two things: my hatred for someone doing one of these things on the coach the other day, and the recent episode of South Park where Stan suggests one of those pricks on QVC kills himself.

TV, therefore, is as damaging a thing as coach travel.

Chewing with your mouth open
Unless you suffer from a medical condition that requires you breathe through your nose, or maybe you have a cold or something, you should never chew with your mouth open. Never mind rudeness or whatever other shit people come up with: it sounds horrible. It makes me want to be sick. And if you do it for no damn good reason, you should chop your own neck out with a rusty fork.

Being in my way
I walk quite quickly. You probably don’t walk as quickly as me, because you’re about 90% of the population. That’s fine. That happens. You don’t have my leg length or waddle speed. I can accept that. But if you’re in my way, get out of my way. Don’t wander aimlessly in front of me. Don’t veer into my speedy route. If you slow me down even by a tiny amount – again discounting the infirm in any real manner – you should rip your own guts out using a Nintendo Power Glove.

Stopping for a chat in the middle of the pavement
Chat all you want – please. I don’t chat much, but that’s because SHUT UP THAT’S WHY. Take a moment out of your day to share inanities. Do it. Laugh at things people say that aren’t funny. Pretend you’re popular. Whatever. But when you decide to do it, don’t just stop in the middle of the path and do it, like so many of you ignorant pricks do. If you do do this (huh huh), you should hammer your own skull open like a boiled egg and feast on the fatty grey lump inside.

Disagreeing with me in any way, ever
I’m not always right, but that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to disagree with me, ever. If you do, you should take up smoking, preferably starting with the exhaust pipe on your car.

Complaining about someone commanding others to kill themselves
When I do blogs, I’m not always serious. Strangely, I am sometimes. But oftentimes I’m joking. And, far be it from me to dictate what is and isn’t out of bounds, nothing is out of bounds. This isn’t serious, and me commanding people to kill themselves for any reason isn’t a bad thing: it’s a thing to be mildly smirked at – if that – and ultimately ignored. If you take it any than that, you should hitchhike in the dark on the autobahn on a busy weekend when the government has encouraged drunk driving for whatever reason.

There’s more, but if you demand I add to this list you should probably kill yourself too.


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