It’s only when I actually pay attention to my surroundings – as in, my disgusting lair – that I notice just how out of it my brain has been for the last however long.
I see something that I put somewhere ‘for a bit’ that’s gathered dust, and I remember I only put it there ‘a bit’ ago. Then I remember that was September, when I got back from Japan. I probably should have mailed those Dragon Ball collector’s cards to Mike by now, truth be told.
But it goes even further than that. I’ve only just put my iPad and HTC boxes in the recycling. I got both of those in January.
That entire year is just… I don’t remember it. I remember specific points. I remember the multitude of things that pissed me off. But other than that? It’s vague.
I remember the summer of 2010. I remember my birthday and the cakes and the Lego I got. I remember going to the Oceanarium and being annoyed the otter bit wasn’t finished yet. I remember the trips to LA and Stockholm and Vancouver and all the rest of it.
2011? I remember a haze. I don’t even remember if it was warm in the summer. I don’t remember how badly I had hay fever (it was horrible in 2010, I know that).
I remember buying my bin in the living room when I moved here in 2009. I don’t remember why it’s balanced on top of a speaker – something I must have done fairly recently. I don’t even remember putting it there.
It just seems like everything has been in stasis over the last year-and-a-half or so. I make comments about my head being fucked; about not being able to concentrate on or care about anything, but I don’t think I mean them.
Then I look around at something I discarded with the full intention of putting it away or moving it ‘soon’. I realise it’s been there six, nine, 15 months – and I realise that maybe my brain isn’t actually in it.
I’ve been cruising – existing, not living – for a while now. I don’t know if this realisation and need to be honest to a bunch of strangers* means I might be breaking through the slump.
In fact, I doubt it will. I know what I’m like.
But at least I’ve finally noticed. And picked up those cards. And put them in an envelope. And written the address. Don’t worry Mike – in four months I’ll probably get around to posting them.
*And less-strange strangers**
**”Friends, acquaintances and family”