Yesterday I decided to take Pizza Hut on at its own game. The company has recently introduced a new base, which takes the stuffed crust notion to a whole new level. Whereas once it was shoved full of horrible, stringy cheese and at other points was crammed to the gills (it doesn’t have gills) with mouth-burning tomato sauce, they have now… well, look:
Yes, it’s hot dog shoved inside the base. I wanted one. I had to have one. But there’s just one minor problem: they cost £18.95.
Eff that ess.
So I did what all good British folk do – I made my own. Here is the list of ingredients so you can play along at home:
1x pizza bought from a shop with money. Probably better to go for chilled over frozen.
1x Jar/can of hot dogs. I went for the ones with 70% meat in them rather than the ones with 47% meat in them.
1x mozzarella ball. I opted for the cheapest one available, because shut up that’s why.
STEP ONE: Open the pizza. This may prove difficult if you’re moroned up to the max.
STEP TWO: Drain hot dogs and lay them around the edge of the pizza, cackling with glee as you do for two reasons – one, you’re taking on The Man and winning, and two, hot dogs look like strange, deformed penises.
STEP THREE: Chop up the mozzarella ball into manageable slices and lay it on and around the sausages.
STEP FOUR: Ask “why should I do that?”
STEP FIVE: Be answered – because it acts as nature’s cement, holding the tasty dogs in place and adding a bit of extra cheesy goodness to any culinary adventure you might be going on.
ROGUE STEP SIX: COVER THE PIZZA IN THE SECRET CHEESE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU TO BUY BECAUSE CHEESE IS GOOD.
EXTRA STEP SEVEN: ‘Secret cheese’ doesn’t mean anything dodgy.
With prep complete you can enter (“put”) the disc pie (“pizza”) into the heat cavern (“oven”) which should have been presumptuously heated (“pre… umm… heated”).
Once it’s cooked, you can enjoy!
For about two slices. Then the salty badness overtakes and you wonder why you spent an extra £5 on food this month when you’re supposed to not be spending anything as you’re off to Belgium at the end of it and you owe people money and oh god it’s so salty…
But those first two slices are worth it. Take that, Pizza Hut!