INVENTATIONING

I am an inventor of sorts. As in the sort that doesn’t really invent things. I just say some things ‘should exist’ and make vague suggestions as to what can be done to solve certain problems. But I’m on a par with Edison, no doubt.

Like my invention of little hook attachments for the side of a shopping trolley to secure it to your car when unloading shopping into the boot. These tethering hooks would stop the trolley from rolling away down a hill, like one did once ever in my life. It’s a common problem. That happens once ever. So it definitely needs solving like this.

Or like flavoured pen lids. We all chew them – why not add a bit of minty freshness or fruity goodness to the mix? Sure, it would encourage stupid people to actually eat them, but so what? They probably need to die anyway. Also this was probably my brother’s idea, I forget.

Or what about my idea for a thing that automatically records the ideas you have, when you have them, so there can be no confusion or argument about who said something at any point ever? Sure, we have notepads and Dictaphones and memories and note-taking apps and computers and everything in the world ever to do this already, but shut up I’m riffing here.

Or the little extra height-givers that attach to the bottom of the four legs of my desk to make it so I stop banging my knees on the underside of it because it’s just a little bit too short for my hulking frame. Which I really should make, actually, because I hurt my knee earlier and it’s annoying.

I really am a genius inventor. Now give me money for these ideas (also: don’t steal these ideas).

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