If I was a player on Football Manager

I played football yesterday (lost 10-0, it went… okay) and I’ve just put Football Manager on, so naturally here’s my stats if I was a proper footballer. The values go from 1-20, with one being the worst.

Acceleration – 3
I am, as they say, ‘bloody slow to get going’.

Agility – 2
I can barely turn around, never mind lift my legs.

Balance – 13
Sometimes – sometimes – I don’t fall over.

Jumping – 1
Nah, don’t like jumping.

Natural Fitness – 3
I can run three paces without dying.

Pace – 12
I’m being generous here because sometimes I can run quite fast.

Stamina – 7
Usually fucked after ten minutes. One time I wasn’t!

Strength – 14
It’s more ‘weight’ than strength, but I can make people bounce off me.

Aggression – 12
Surprisingly low, actually. I hold it in a lot.

Anticipation – 8
I can anticipate when I’m about to lose the ball.

Bravery – 4
Used to be higher; fucked my ankle. Don’t want that pain again.

Composure – 5
Nah.

Concentration – 9
Decent, but I often forget where I OH A SHINY THING.

Creativity – 17
With caveats: I have to have time to see what’s going on and people have to be actually making runs.

Decisions – 13
Not terrible. Well, apart from that Rustlers burger I had. Oof.

Determination – 9
This is getting a bit dull really, isn’t it?

Flair – 1
Did I ever tell you the story about the mushy peas in my regular pub here?

Influence – 1
See, Bournemouth – and the south in general – tends to not get mushy peas.

Off the ball – 14
Mushy peas are brilliant and delicious, so they should be everywhere.

Positioning – 11
But the south of England just doesn’t seem to understand or want to understand what they are.

Teamwork – 13
So I was delighted to find a pub that actually offered mushy peas on its menu, as part of the pie meals.

Work rate – 10
God, pie meals are great. I wish I was still an uncaring glutton, rather than a pathetic, secretive one who eats tons of fried chicken and feels guilty about it.

Corners – 17
But yeah, to see a pub around here doing pie and mushy peas was a godsend. At least I thought.

Crossing – 15
Turns out it wasn’t to be, and the dream was short lived.

Finishing – 14
I ordered, I sat eagerly awaiting and I got an excellent pie – it was really good.

Dribbling – 9
But the peas were shit. They weren’t mushy peas at all.

First touch – 7
They were traditional garden peas that had clearly been mushed up with a fork or some other kitchen implement.

Free kick taking – 18
I mean – come on. That’s just stupid and ridiculous and misunderstands the entire concept of what a mushy pea truly is.

Heading – 4
I took it as a personal affront and from then on would always complain loudly about the standard of these faux-mushy bastards.

Long shots – 17
But it’s not a story with a sad ending, for once in my pathetic life.

Long throws – 10
See, they saw the error of their ways – either that or they read the Wiki page on mushy peas.

Marking – 9
And now they serve proper mushy peas with their pies.

Passing – 14
But like I said – I don’t eat the pies anymore. In fact, I don’t even know if they still do them.

Penalty taking – 13
Shit… what if they don’t do them anymore?

Tackling – 5
That would be heartbreaking after going through so much.

Technique – 8
My footballing technique is rather poor, though a lot better than when I was younger. It’s all the mushy peas I’ve eaten.

Guess who couldn’t think of a proper blog today.

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2 Comments

Filed under Prattle

2 responses to “If I was a player on Football Manager

  1. that is a minus symbol in front of all the numbers, yeah?

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