Un ee yun

I don’t think we’ve ever really discussed before just how vile and disgusting onions are. I mean, not to make a bold opening statement here, but they are single-handed proof that there is no good. No omnipotent being of ultimate benevolence could make an alleged ‘food’ that is actually worse than having to go through five public cavity searches on a particularly sweaty Tuesday.

They are scum. Raw? Get focked. Not only are they disgusting, but they’re all wrong-feeling and when that taste hits you just know the vomit isn’t far behind. As a great scholar once said: “physically sick”. I’ve spat out entire mouthfuls of burger – burger, for fook’s sake! – because of a rogue onion making its presence felt.

“OH BUT IAN YOU IDIOT WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEY’RE IN SAUCES AND ARE COOKED INTO THINGS AND OTHER ASININE STATEMENTS I WANT TO MAKE TO TRY AND PROVE SOMETHING THAT WAS PROBABLY INVENTED BY PREHISTORIC NAZIS IS ACTUALLY EATEN BY YOU”, you might squawk, forgetting to add an upwards inflection to the end of your sentence thus nullifying it as a question.

But I am a generous man – a man of ultimate benevolence and omnipotence when it comes to matters of the onion. I am your onion god.

The simple answer is thus: think of anything you hate. Think of a food. Think of Dave Benson Phillips. Think of a loudmouth racist. Then mush them up and dilute them out so much that they don’t taste/get their own back/be heard being racist at all. Do you still have a problem with them?

I thought not.

It’s a watertight argument, no doubt.

Fuck onions and everything they stand for. Scumbags.

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