THIS IS THE NEWWWWWS

I was going to do something about something in the something (“news”), as I don’t appear to have done any current affairs commentary in quite a while. And I know you all love my Rory Bremners-style sa-tee-ray.

But then I looked through the headlines on my Sole Source Of News (Grauniad) and realised I have too much to say on all of these things. As such, I will do what the internet has become brilliant at doing and condense all of my reactions down to bite-size levels. That way you can take home a plethora of opinions to then call your own, rather than just the one. Aren’t I kind?*

Convicted Lockerbie bomber Megrahi dies
Let’s celebrate the death of a man who has just been a pathetic face on a worn-out body for the last decade or more! Yaaaay!

Merkel stands firm on Greece at G8
Probably because she needed a poo but couldn’t go right then.

Lampard: ‘everything we wanted’
A giant silver trophy? Really? Not happiness or world peace or less shit tattoos for Fernando Torres? That’s everything? Hmm.

Nuclear chief to visit Iran for talks
Good to see the Native American superhero is popular in the Middle East.

Phone-hacking inquiry head to retire
This amused me as I’m in a dystopian sci-fi realm in my head right now, and an ‘inquiry head’ I am taking to mean a hovering head that inquires about things in some kind of horrible, stinky, police state future. Which it sort of is, if you ignore all logic, reason and facts.

Twitter blocked in Pakistan
And I am sure that will mean they will never be able to use it again over there because we all know blocking things and censorship always works out okay in the end and the people doing the blocking and censorship are never looked on as idiotic twats oh no siree not in this world.

Mark Zuckerberg’s status: married
Hey! This would be the perfect opportunity to make a joke about his relationship statu… oh.

*The answer is “yes”. Now give me money for being kind.

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