I think I’m going to apply for the Liverpool job. The board seems to be approaching pretty much anybody in the world to take over, yet nobody wants to step up just now. As such it is my duty – my calling as a human being – to take the reigns and bring questionable (racist) glory back to the team lovingly referred to as “not liked”.
As such, here is my application letter – available publicly and aimed squarely at Fenway Sports Group. I do so hope I get it!
Dear Fenwar (Group Sports),
I would like to apply for the job what you got at Livingpool United.
I think I would be well good at it because I have been to Liverpool before and didn’t go to Anfield – BUT I also didn’t go to Goodison Park so haha take that. I also know what football is.
I am experienced in football, because I play it sometimes and I’m quite bad at it. But that doesn’t stop me because I’m tenacious! Except when I can’t be bothered, or when I’m too tired from running around. I usually get tired within minutes, because I’m really unfit.
But we can turn that into a positive because it means I will be unlikely to ever leave the office, as that would mean standing up. Bonus! Plus, I am lazy so I would be more or less guaranteed to always be on the premises, available at your beck and call to manage the team into oblivion.
The good kind of oblivion, I mean. Does that exist? WELL IT DOES NOW.
See that? Rogue re-writing of facts? I’d fit right in at Liverpool, clearly.
I also play Football Manager a lot. Now I know you get lots of applications mentioning this hilariously, but it’s serious business and I’m really good at it. I mean, I’ve got like 74% of the achievements on Steam or something, so I must be radicool at it. Plus I only rarely cheat, and seeing as you can only rarely cheat in real life I think it shows I’d be great at… wait, what am I writing?
Also I am racist. Massively, hugely racist.
Thanks for the job,
Ian “Definitely (Defiantly) Racist” Dransfield