Today half of the industry I work in heads to LA for E3 – the yearly convention where they all get pissed off, knackered and confused for a few days (also: drunk). I would have sympathy for them, because it sounds like a shit time – it really does.
But I have something worse today. I am heading to London for a friend’s birthday, staying through ‘til Tuesday. It will involve navigating London – easy, but always annoying and horrible. It will involve paying too much money for things I cannot afford. It will involve me not being able to just go home, which always annoys me. It will involve having to make small talk with people I don’t know (actually, it probably won’t, because I don’t bother talking).
But best of all, this is all done on the Diamond Jubilee weekend. I am a massive idiot, but the person whose birthday it is, IAN CHADDOCK, is even worse for being stupid enough to be born to have his 30th coincide with this godawful weekend.
There’s going to be too many people and I hate people. TOO MANY. Any is too many, really. I’d say something hilarious like ‘better sharpen my knives!’ but the city is on such insane lockdown that I’d be shot on entering its limits by the ten billion gun cops around.
‘Hey, you all love the queen right? Why not show how much you love her by ACCEPTING GUN COPS INTO YOUR EVERY DAY ROUTINE? We’ll just keep them around on the streets once all this is done – we might as well as it’s the Olympics in a bit, and you need to be safe. Then once that’s done you’re already used to them being around so we’ll just keep them there forever in case any of you decide to dissent in any way ever again…’
Wait, what? Why have you caused a dystopian future to suddenly sprout up, Chaddock? WHYYYY?