Sometimes it takes a few negative elements to come together in a certain way before you know it’s actually worked out okay. Or something like that, I don’t know about this whole ‘writing words’ thing. Doesn’t seem to be my forte.

But bad things, taken individually, are bad. Put with other bad things, are bad. But put with other bad things then with a sprinkle of context, can be good. Do you see? No. Neither do I. Which is why I have this Scientific experiment I worked on today to quote.

Arriving back in Bournemouth I realised three things: one, it was raining fairly heavily. Two, I had no money for a bus, nor was I about to withdraw any as I have to live off approximately £65 for the rest of this month (not an exaggeration). Three, I needed a wee quite badly.

In and of themselves, these are negative things. Rain is unpleasant when you need to walk somewhere, though I’m not always against it – but this wasn’t nice rain. Having no money is never good, unless you’re being mugged. Needing a wee is uncomfortable, which I know a lot about because I always need wees. Silly small bladder.

But put together in this particular situation what you get is this: a need to walk home quickly because of the rain, the drive to walk home quickly because of the need to wee and the chance to walk home (in the rain, needing a wee) singing aloud to music you like – which you wouldn’t be able to do on a bus/in a cab.

And then, on arriving home, what happens? Your clothes are soaked through, so you disrobe – instant comfort. Then you have a pee you’ve waited a while for – incredible relief. Then you find £10,000 down the back of your sofa – pure fantasy.

But then you remember David Cameron uses the ‘needing a wee to make things happen more urgently’ thing, and you feel sick for having accidentally copied him.

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