A new recipe, you say? Why, anyone would think I’ve only just got around to thinking of something to write here and couldn’t come up with anything that wasn’t libellous or intensely boring (it can still be argued this is boring, I admit).
Still, here’s how to make and Ian Omelette, or Ianmlette if you want to be weird and call it a stupid name.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
1 box of eggs
3 eggs from the box of eggs
1 box of eggs binned if it’s empty or put back in the fridge if it isn’t
1 set of random shit in your fridge/around to put in the Ianmlette
1 stormy day
1 lot of cooking utensils and things to cook in/on
First you’ll want to crack the eggs, usually into a bowl or jug. Don’t do it on a plate – this won’t serve the purpose you want it to. Though you can try if you like an eggstra (“extra”) challenge. Or if you’re an idiot.
Beat the eggs like Chris Brown wants to beat Cher (he admitted it on a now-deleted Tweet earlier, because he is a cunt). When they’re yellow throughout, they are defeated (“beaten”).
All while this is going on you should have heated up your hotplates, if you are a pauper like me, or your real hob if you are a real person. Oh, and your grill. Turn that on to max.
Right, so put some oil in the pan – remember to remember to get oil, even though I didn’t stipulate it in the ingredients. Heat it up til it’s hot. You can tell it’s hot when it flash fries a puppy in under 30 seconds.
Put the defeated egg in the pan. It will omeletteise, as it’s known in the biz. Waggle it about a bit to stop it from sticking.
SHIT BEFORE YOU DO THAT DON’T FORGET TO PUT SALT AND PEPPER AND STUFF IN THE EGG WHEN YOU BEAT IT. Phew.
Then add your extras to the Ianmlette. I put in chicken and broccoli today, because I’m just like that.
Once it’s been hot plated for a while, don’t bother flipping it: that’s messy and annoying. Wang it under the grill instead for about ten minutes. It’s near impossible to burn this way, you don’t have to fail at flipping and it puffs up all good and proper, plus the stuff you’ve piled on top gets cooked too.
Take it out, put it on a plate, smother the edge of the plate in ketchup (current brand: Hellman’s, oddly) and feast. FEAST.
Cheese is often a good ingredient for this, but I didn’t have any. I don’t have cheese so much these days. They are no longer cheese days.