I have never

I am 28 years of age, 29 in under a month, and there are things in the world I have never done.

I don’t mean like bungee jumping, because why the hell would I ever do that. I don’t mean like surfing, because shut up I’ve just never surfed plus I’d be terrible at it because standing on something while it’s moving is too hard. And I don’t mean like knowingly eating squid, because fuck off squid you’re clearly an alien being.

No, I mean things you might expect me to have done. I have, for example, never used a fax machine. For all my endless japery about sending faxes (I’ve just been reminded about fax humour, which is hilarious, by someone making fax-based comments on Twitter), I have never actually used a fax machine. I don’t really know what they do. I certainly understand little of how they work.

For all my worldly handsome wonderful well-travelled..ness.. ish.. I have never learned to drive. I don’t see how these two link, really. Sorry.

I have never been to Poole – well, apart from going to one person’s house there but that doesn’t really count – even though I’ve lived next to it for nigh-on three years now.

I have never been hit by a car, though naturally that’s just testament to how excellent I am at crossing roads. Good enough that I might start putting it on my CV as a skill. That and ‘walking up mountains (N.B. mountains that are easy to walk up only)’.

I genuinely don’t remember ever having bought a rucksack. All the ones I have or have had in my life have been hand-me-downs or, as is the case with my Best One, a free gift of corruption thanks to my job.

I have never intentionally dyed an item of clothing. I have never worn large can headphones while walking down the street. I have never used the night bus in the Bournemouth area.

There’s lots of inane crap I’ve never done, come to think of it. I’ll have to send someone a fax about it.


Filed under Prattle

2 responses to “I have never

  1. You’ve never met your only female cousin’s son – he’s 11 this year. Shame on you dearest cousin of mine

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