How to lose weight you fat shits

I was weighed on Friday as a part of the whole zorbing thing – if you’re too heavy you can’t the ball will explosions death etc you get the point. I weigh 86kg. That works out, for those of you still on Old Units, as 13 and a half stones.

Now, when I began my quest to get fit back in March of 2011, part as a way of distracting my mind from grief, part because being in a relationship where the primary food consumed was butter, I weight a rather portly (I will also accept ‘stout’) 17 stones. I had two chins at the very least, and I often caught myself wheezing. It was unacceptable.

But I have dropped three and a half – two and a half in quicksmart time last year, the extra one in the time from when I stopped regularly working out around November 2011. But it’s not to be sniffed at. I am actually quite proud of it. I look a lot better than I did, and I feel a lot better. I can run for more than 15 minutes when playing football. My knees don’t instantly buckle. I injure less. I get ill less. Did I mention I’ve gone sexy? Because I’ve gone sexy.

But it’s unfair for me to keep this secret of my success to myself, as I know many of you ask the question when you see my transformation. You want in. You want to be a part of it. You want to know how you too can look like a 50s conman like I do (“did”, once, a month ago).

And for the one-off cost of just $29.95, you too can know! Oh alright then, free. Here is my step-by-step guide to shedding a fair bit of weight and ending up a better person as a result.

Step 1
Change your diet entirely so you don’t eat anything that’s bad for you. “WAAAAH” you cry. Nothing. Ever. No treats. None of that shit. When you’ve brutalised yourself into a new regime and lost loads of weight, then you are allowed treats. And massive Chinese takeaways.

Step 2
Seriously, put the fork down you fat motherfucker.

Step 3
Exercise. A bit at first, more as you go on. It’s so simple, you don’t have to join a gym, you don’t even have to leave the house. I didn’t. Also you can do it naked if you do it at home, which always adds to the hilarity.

Step 4
Less cheese. Better yet, no cheese you porky numbskull.

Step 5
Don’t break the rules, unless you want to die of Fat at the age of [whatever your age is plus five years].

And there we have it. Simple. Though not necessarily easy. It takes the kind of self-discipline I wasn’t aware I had, and the kind I seem to have lost in the interim. Still, 13 and a half stones. Fuck you, chub squad. I win.

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