(Less) Famous last words

Just read a ‘top 10 last words’ thing, which was better than I expected. Especially Malcolm X’s, though that did just lead to me wondering why people have to go and shoot each other so much. Sigh. And Mozart thinking he was poisoned. Death! It’s hilarious!

Anyway, I am now coming up with a list of what I want my last words to be. But first I have to check if I’ve done this before by doing a quick blog search…

…right, doesn’t look like there’s anything. But who knows? I’ve written a lot of wack shit here.

Anyway, I intend to use one or more of these as my last words before I die, though I haven’t yet decided how I’m going to die. It’ll probably be after I’ve killed every last one of you, naturally.

“Pull my finger…”
The indication here being that the act of pulling my finger hasn’t caused me to fart; it has caused me to die. Which actually would cause me to shit myself, so there’s a double-hitter for you.

See, the fools would think my unintelligible, guttural noise was the inability for me to speak as death’s icy grip wrenched me free of this mortal coil. When actually I’d just be totally psyching them out as I’d have done it on purpose. LAST LAUGH ON DRANSFIELD.

This, of course, gives the listener the feeling that their inability to do insta-maths has killed me, which is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

They just.won’t.know what I’m psyching them out about, ever, and it will hopefully push those who hear this final word to the brink of sanity itself before causing them to kill themselves in a violent fashion.

“And another thing…”
It’s not particularly imaginative, but it’s a classic for a reason.

“I never did trust those black folks.”
This will sully the family (if I have one) name or just ruin my memory in the eyes of my friends (if I have any) or at the very least just offend some people in the room or at the very least their sensibilities. As such: totally worth it.

I actually want to sit here coming up with these all day, so instead I’m not going to. I’m going to have another coffee and play vidyagames because summer has gone wrong.


1 Comment

Filed under Prattle

One response to “(Less) Famous last words

  1. You should slip the doctor a couple of quid and do a ‘psych’ as the heart monitor makes the beeping noise. Then, miraculously laugh, then do it again but die for real.

    “Haha, Grandpa, you’re so funny. You won’t fool me this time!… Grandpa?… aww.”

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