I am British. English-British. English-British-male. I am genetically coded to like pints of beer, be they ale, bitter or as my dad calls it ‘fake beer’ (he means lager because he does not consider it real beer, do you see?). I would count stout and all that shit, but fuck that noise. It’s horrible. And there’s more I’ve forgotten, probably. Shut up, I’m not king of the beer.
Anyway, pints. They are in my blood. Often after drinking them, but also because of the above reasons given. They make up who we are as English-British-males. Also non-English-British. And females. Shut up again.
But I’ve come to the conclusion that pints are shit and shouldn’t be the drink of choice. No, we should be opting for tiny cans of beer – 330ml measurements of the deliciousest lagers and ales and whatevers in the world. Well, and bottles too as they come in 330ml measurements, generally.
It just makes no sense to drink pints beyond the first one after a hard day at work/after a hard day/after a day/during the day/for breakfast. Beyond that they just don’t go down as well. They’re too much. It’s stupid, when you actually look at it. It’s still stupid to put loads of smaller beers down your throat, but at least it could be seen as less stupid, and looking less stupid is all that matters in this world.
I mean, why aren’t little cans of beer the norm anyway? You don’t see any other drinks coming as standard in massive cans, except cider (“beer for tramps”) and energy drinks, which don’t count because they’re relatively new to market.
Really though, they were introduced in those small Red Bull cans, made to draw the eye – and not put too much cow bollock or whatever it is in your system. From there they’ve evolved to Fucking Massive cans. You don’t see many/any 330ml energy drinks around. Because they can charge a premium for bigger cans and oh no I’m veering into conspiracy territory.
But we just need to change our way of thinking and accept that tiny cans of beer for homosexuals and women are actually for all of us, and they’re actually better. Especially for shotgunning, because shotgunning big cans hurts my tummy.
I am all for little cans. And not big ones. Or pints. Pints are too big.