Seeing as Hollywood has genuinely run out of ideas now – it’s something that’s been brought up a lot, but I think this year’s crop of re-releases is the final nail in the film-shaped coffin – I think it’s a perfect time for us all to get those movies made that we have in the back of our heads. You know that old saying that’s definitely real that definitely wasn’t originally about books: everybody has one film in them.
I know you’re all creatively bereft and with the intelligence levels akin to the average call centre employee*, so I’m going to provide a few ideas, free of charge, for you to do with as you please. Some might say this is equally creatively bereft of me, as I have done similar blogs to this one in the recent past. To them I say shut up I’m tired and this is 910ish days in a row of blogging so shove it up your likely fat arse and stop ragging on me or I’ll have you killed.
Especially if you work in a call centre.
- 1. RomCo 2000
A robot (played by Matthew Maghonerghey or whatever his name is) is programmed to misunderstand situations between it and its human, female lover causing what would otherwise be easily-avoided problems to crop up and make the whole audience think their seemingly perfect relationship is ruined. Robot is also programmed to come to an understanding and suitably romantic conclusion at the end, meaning everyone leaves satisfied/vomitous, depending on how hungover you are.
- 2. Daze Of Youth
Covering those wild teenage days pretty much none of us had: parties where there was a keg; ‘stoning’ on the ‘weeds’; chicks; dudes; both; sometimes dogs; nerdy guys having the confidence to talk to people when in real life they’re crucified on a daily basis by their lack of spine; one fat girl in the whole tri-state area; ditto for skinny, ugly girl. Blink 182 will be on the soundtrack. And Smashmouth, though that should go without saying.
- 3. Buffalo Renegade
A fish-out-of-water drama/comedy, wherein a streetwise urban youth living in “New” “York” “City” finds out he is of Native American descent and that his long-lost family’s lands are under threat by an evil, faceless corporate entity that wants to slaughter seals there and spray it with oil and have a war there or something. He returns home and helps his people fend off the advances of said corporation with his refreshingly antagonistic and rebellious attitude. Steven Seagal stars as lead actor’s uncle.
- 4. Trailing The Stars
Some aimless bollocks that starts with the main character addressing you, the viewer, on a voiceover as the camera flies over one of the big American cities. Very little happens, something unexpected – good or bad – happens and you feel really happy or sad about it, then it finishes with an unsatisfying, brusque ending. It will cost $500,000 to make and be lauded as an indie darling for decades to come with all manner of uninteresting shits claiming it as their favourite film just to score cool points with the arty people who ‘matter’.
- 5. Gun Man
A man who owns a gun offers his services as a hired “gunman”. He uses the gun to kill men. It will be the greatest film ever made.
Anyway, I know all these would fail if I tried, but I have to try something to get out of this rut I’ve found myself in. As such I’m likely to end up working in a call centre at some point in the near future.
*If you work in a call centre and are offended by this: get a better job, idiot.