With apologies to The Waterboarder, for whom I used to write shit like this. Just thought I’d give it a go for the first time in ages.
Britons were shocked today to discover that overprivileged, under-regulated, arrogant, borderline-psychotic maniacs in charge of phenomenal amounts of money were in fact a bunch of chancing dickheads.
The revelations came about as a result of people actually paying attention to what goes on in the world for once, reading the news and listening to whistleblowers without uttering something irritating like “nobody likes a grass”.
News of the chancing dickheads – quickly dubbed ‘chickheads’ in the tabloid press – sent the Common People of the UK into a frenzy, with angry messages posted in comment sections on news sites the world over.
Barry from Bognor posted over on the NEWS IS GREAT website: “is disgustn dey cos immigants innit?” with Barry from Exeter in firm agreement: “Banks are stealing our money? Sheeple! The immigrants have cancered up the welfare single mums foreigners aren’t they!”
In the real world public sentiment was similar across the board. We spoke to one man, who wished to remain nameless (“Barry”), who stated: “I think it’s terrible, isn’t it? I mean, if I’m five minutes late for my job I get a bollocking. If I miss a day without permission I get chewed out. If I try to claim £5 on expenses I have to essentially sit through a kangaroo court to find me guilty of trying to ‘scam’ the system.” His furrowed brow glistened with sweat beads of fury as he continued: “If I miss a council tax payment, legitimately by accident, I have to pay the full amount in one fell swoop along with trumped up court summons charges. If I don’t cancel my mobile phone ‘correctly’ they keep on charging me. If I do anything wrong, at any time, ever, no matter how minor it is, I get picked up on it and have to face consequences.” He paused, as if his level of bewilderment had removed his ability to process cogent thoughts, before forcing himself to continue: “The system is inherently unfair, and it’s about time some people at the top at the very least got a spanking for what they’ve done. At least just to give the people the vague facade that the rule of law applies equally. Please?”
As “Barry” disappeared into the distance, we could hear him lightly sobbing, his head hanging low and the gait of a man defeated by the very thing he should be so happy to possess: life.
Executor Smythington-Blaaa, lord of cashfunds and He Who Shall Not Be Named at SuperBank Inc, was quick to come to the defence of his comrades in money laundering: “These men have done nothing wrong. I know for a fact that every single British person in the world earns ten million pounds a year and them kicking up a fuss about us losing a paltry billion here or there, avoiding tax – like we all do because we all have offshore accounts – and fixing interest rates is just the petulant foot-stamping of a populace jealous of our natty suits.” He went on: “Cunts.”
Prime Minister and human-testicle hybrid David Cameron was not available for comment, though Downing Street released a prepared statement, saying: “We don’t give a fuck what you think. Honestly. If you’re stupid enough to dream you live in a world where anything you do makes a difference or anything you say is listened to, you’re dumber than you look. And you look very dumb indeed.”