Monthly Archives: July 2012

The liberal checklist

If you think people should be totally free to own any and all guns, you are a fucking idiot and possibly a nutcase.

If you think abortions should be illegal and are in any way ‘immoral’, you are a fucking idiot and should go away and shut up – though not necessarily in that order.

If you are an adult with an IQ over 100 and still believe fully in an organised religion of god above in whatever form(s) and all that jazz, you are a fucking idiot and I probably shouldn’t talk to you anymore.

If you don’t believe in climate change, you are a fucking idiot and GO AND READ A BOOK IT MIGHT HELP.

If you believe marriage can only ever be between two people of the opposite sex, you are a fucking idiot and will you marry me?

There are more things, I know, I just can’t be arsed writing them. It’s a basic liberal checklist is all, but I’ve sort of had enough with placating people with notions of ‘let them get on with it’. I’m not saying I’m going to attack people for holding any of these beliefs, nor am I going to stop speaking to people who hold any of these beliefs true to their heart.

I think I’ve just had enough of being so understanding and kind to those around me. I’d opt for the usual ‘who cares?’ stuff, but the fact of the matter is it pisses me off.

This is aimless shit, by the way, and it’s entirely brought on by the internet. I don’t think anybody I know in real life has said any of these things to me, at least not recently. Ho hum. It’s too warm to concentrate.

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VIDEOGAME JOKES

I’ve just seen this linked on Twitter and it’s one of the most painfully unfunny, embarrassing pieces of crap I’ve ever seen. Apart from the first image, which is brilliant.

Instead of doing the usual internet thing of slagging off from afar and leaving it at that, I’ve decided – graciously and forgoing all pay – to come up with a few, better, videogame-related jokes.

No apologies if you have no grounding in gaming. I probably don’t like you if you don’t anyway. YOU POOR FOOLS.

JOKES:

-Why did Master Chief cross the road?

To get away from the unimaginative tossers who named him!

-Which is the best civilization?

Sid Meier’s!

-Knock knock.
Who is there?
Joy.
Joy of whom?
Joy pad! (CAN BE INTERCHANGED WITH ‘STICK’)

-Why did Frank Welker almost opt out of his Bogus Journey?

Because they almost didn’t let him Play Station!

-What did the geek say to the dork?

Dweeb off, nerd!

JOKES END.

I think that suitably brings the quality of jokes about gaming on the internet up by about 4,300%. You can thank me later, mainly with money.

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Universal truths

This image was linked on popular “internetting websticle site” Reddit yesterday, meaning I saw it as a result of that link. I shared it myself, as if me showing it to an extra hundred or so people makes much difference when 60 million have already seen it but hey. It had to be shared, because look at it. It literally left me sitting there, mouth agape, staring for minutes. It’s an incredible image.

And it’s one of those grand perspective-formers you get, like Sagan’s pale blue dot speech. It puts you in your place and reminds you that, for all your self-important grandstanding, for all the things that ‘matter’, for all the fears that hold you back, all the joys that push you forward – for all the everything you or anybody else is or ever will be, none of it means shit.

I’m not even being my usual ‘kill yourself, you’re pointless’ kind of twit today. I just think it’s nice to be reminded every now and then that everything on this planet is totally irrelevant, whether it’s done, not done, thought about, enacted, forced on, forced off and for whatever reason, belief, theory or act of thoughtlessness that backs it up. None of it matters, at all.

It’s overwhelming in part, liberating in another. Rather than just being a stark reminder that you are oh-so-little and matter even less, it’s a free pass. The vastness of our planet is nothing in comparison to other, nearby planets. Nothing compared to the Sun. To the galaxy. To other galaxies. To the universe. Irrelevant little ants milling about pretending anything they do matters and with the terrifying certainty of true believers, no less.

The word ‘importance’ loses all meaning and all concept of what it could possibly mean when simply faced with an image like that one above, and humanity as a whole is reduced to nothing more than a curio – a footnote at best in the annals of the universe and its history. A brief, vague distraction that will be forgotten about as soon as it’s gone, no matter how improbable that might seem to the people themselves.

But even with this free pass; this lack of importance in the grand scheme of things, I still need to leave the house and buy bread. The universe is a cruel and unforgiving mistress.

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Catalogued thinking

I was just flicking through a clothing catalogue – H&M have decided that since I bought a hoodie off them for £7 (which gets black fluff all over my clothes like a BASTARD) it’s their sole duty to send me dead tree laced with images of improbably attractive people in pants staring at me – when it dawned on me I’m sat at my computer, where I could access all of their catalogue as I saw fit, as well as the catalogue of any other shop I saw fit.

To head it off at the pass, I see print as having a place, I still love magazines and blah de blah. But something made for purely mechanical, functional reasons still existing in this fashion has amused me ever so slightly.

Then I started thinking about other concepts I find rather outdated and somewhat pointless, and it got me onto thinking about buying houses and settling down and all that mad shit that’s prescribed for you before you even exist, let alone are old enough to default on a mortgage. And I laughed.

But then I started thinking about why I was laughing and wondered – aloud, to some extent – if this laughter was actually a result of my own denial; of my own recognition of my failures to do what ‘real people’ do in life. To think my parents and the parents of many others had settled down with a family by this age. To think more and more of my friends of a similar age are doing the same. To see people who actively plan for these eventualities from what I see as a shockingly young age. I have done none of this, and I see none of it in my future.

Then I started thinking of the future, of where it could take me and what I could do. I thought of my debts – lessened thanks to recent generosity, but not totally dead – and how they hold me back. I thought of easy blame, and how I apportion my lack of motivation and willingness to do anything really interesting or involved with my life to silly things like ‘debts’. I thought of ruts, and being in them. Books, and how if I’d actually sent my horse book to publishers I would have had responses months ago, rather than sending it now and having to wait months.

I thought and I thought and the train went on and on and it went deep and it went sad and it barely went happy and it was derailed by making some coffee but it came back strong and it thought and it took on a mind of its own and it thought for itself and it made its decisions and it looked like simply sitting and thinking and wondering and hoping and dreaming was going to be the end of me.

So I just went back to staring at women in their skimpies in the H&M catalogue, because life is easier in the lingerie section.

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The Dark Knight Rises review, spoiler free (SPOILER: 7/10)

Batman: The Dark Knight Has A Haircut is a great film that I just went to see, so I decided to write a review of the film.

The Dark Knight Goes Surfing is a story about two dogs and a cat: one dog is a bulldog and the other is a golden retriever, while the cat is oh who cares cats are shit. Basically, thanks to spoilers a case of pets not understanding what humans do in their lives spoilers end the animals end up lost in the American wilderness.

There are incidents and accidents, hints and allegations, bears and mountain lions and – in one particularly evocative scene – the cat is nursed back to health by a kindly man who lives in the mountains. It’s a directorial tour-de-force by Christopher Nolan, though one does wonder where he spent all the £10 billion budget, as the animals don’t even have animated mouths.

Still, the passion and power contained throughout this rollercoaster, white-knuckle ride of a movie is what carries it, and carries it tall. Set piece after set piece, moment after moment – it never lets up, it never makes you think anything other than ‘this is a great film about some animals lost near a stream’. It is to movies what Citizen Kane is to movies.

But it’s not just an adrenaline rush: there’s emotion, and tons of it. You’ll feel the fear as the porcupine – a hitherto unknown DC Comics antagonist – assaults one of our plucky pooches, and you’ll shed a tear or seven when the golden retriever, old as he is, no longer thinks he can make it.

And that’s when Batman comes in and…

Oh, shit, no. I just got The Dark Knight Rises mixed up with Homeward Bound. My mistake.

7/10omHome

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Princes of the headache

I’m in the middle of a bastard of a migraine right now so concentration isn’t coming easily. As such the blog today will be a song you should all listen to because we did so the other day at about 4am, to the massive detriment of anyone trying to sleep in my house.

Fuck ’em, they slam doors.

Also: Clancy Brown.

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Awesome to the max

How difficult is it to set up one of those Wonga.com type places? Because once you’ve got that bad boy up and running, you surely just have a licence to print money. In fact, new business idea: printing licences to print money. It’s a licence to print money as a result of printing licences to print money!

As you may have figured out, with your keen detective skills, I am thinking of future endeavours for which to apply my keen, finely-honed business brain to. I am known in the business world as quite the shark. A man who knows what he wants and how to get it. A paradigm-shifter. A git. And it’s time to once again prove this is the case.

So I’m thinking – mindshowering, as we in the biz (“business”) world say – of ideas that can make me my next million. Saying ‘next million’ isn’t technically incorrect, as while it would be my first million it would also be the next million I make. See – that’s the kind of blue sky thinking that we’re going to need going forward.

Is there big money in gongs these days? I think it’s an avenue worth pursuing. Some might think it’s a hasty market to go for, and maybe is just the result of me mistyping ‘going’ in the previous paragraph, but what do those pricks know? Nothing, that’s what. And what do I know? I know what I know, and what I know is in itself a licence to print money.

Which gives me an idea: printing licences to print money. It’s a licence to print money as a result of printing licences to print money!

God, I’m good at businessing.

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