Stage diving is for wankers

I hate stage divers and, to a lesser extent, crowd surfers. I hate them more than I hate paedophiles, they are worse than serial raper-murderers and they are all clearly ultra-Nazis who think concentration camps were ‘just a bit of a laugh’. In short: they are terrible people.

You may think I’m exaggerating here, and maybe I am, but I’m not. Stage divers are terrible people who probably need to die. There is something of a code I live by in my life, and that is to not bring undue suffering on others. I am tall. This does not mean I am due suffering. Yet it seems I am targeted by the malicious, genocide-loving minority who feel they simply have to jump from a stage into the crowd through my head.

I wear glasses. They were only six quid, but I do need them to see. Stop knocking them off my face. Stop bruising my face, neck and arms by carrying out your Dickhead Manoeuvre. Don’t break my watch by jumping onto me you absolute fucking cunt. Just.. stop it.

I’m not against fun. I’m not the borough (I wish I was). But the defence of ‘it’s people expressing their joy’ or any other wank is exactly that. It’s inconsiderate, irritating and – shock! – dangerous*. And when you’re tall, like I am, you get clattered a lot more than other people.

“Don’t stand at the front then!” Go fuck yourself. I can stand wherever the shit I want. If I enjoy a band, I want to stand in prime position to bellow along. It’s not fucking Seaworld, people aren’t just getting a bit wet in the front row: you’re hurting them.

So to the guy who broke my watch: yes, I threw you to make sure you hit the floor hard. Fucks given? None. You brought it on yourself. To the absolute wankhole who KEPT ON KNEEING ME IN THE HEAD and sent my glasses flying about three times: yes, I ducked you on purpose and you face-planted the floor. I hope it fucking hurt.

To the people who stand at the front on stage, announce their intentions and wait for the crowd to ready themselves: you’re okay. Just try not to kick me when you’re actually surfing.

Also: can everyone just kill themselves please? Make things a lot easier on my frayed mind today.

*And by that, let me make it abundantly clear: I don’t care if you choose to hurt yourself. It’s not your choice to hurt others though, you absolute morons.


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