I am ill, again, for the second time in a few weeks. This absolutely will not do. Stupid body, letting me down like an absolute bastard. It used to be really good at keeping infections away, but it seems the ravages of age have taken its ability to battle off those tiny, angry spaceships or whatever they were on that slightly weird French cartoon from my childhood were.

But I think this might be more serious than any of us imagined. For you see, I was bitten by a host of mosquitoes on Friday thanks to the combination of being in the forest, having shorts on, it being warm and it having been a wet summer. Bastard mozzies love that shit.

So I was bitten multiple times, leaving me with itchy welts all over my legs and arms.

It’s clearly malaria.

And so I’ve done what any rational human being does: checked Yahoo Answers for the solution to my malaria problem. Turns out I’m not the only one who suffers from British malaria, with one other user offering me some sound advice: don’t drink milk, as it will kill you (if you have malaria).

Unfortunately, as is my diet, I have consumed a fair bit of milk today. As such, I am clearly on my way out and not long for this mortal coil. I always thought milk would off me in some way, but I never expected it to have to team up with blood-borne parasites to get its way.

I shouldn’t have just looked up malarial symptoms. I’m worried now. Especially seeing as all illness has headaches involved.


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