Total Recall 2012, the definitive review (7/10)

In Total Recall 2012, a woman approaches Co-Lin Farrell and offers him her ‘services’. Her services include the fact she has three breasts, which she reveals to our favourite star of In Bruges.

It is not explained why she has three bosoms, or if she approaches every single man on the street with her oh-so-tempting offer. She just jumps in, says her piece, shows her pieces, and fucks right off again.

In Total Recall 1989 (or was it 1990 I can’t be arsed checking), a woman turns to Ah-nolt Schwarzenegger at the bar after being recommended to him by the barkeep. She reveals to him her chest, and while the audience is fully aware that mutations have occurred to people on Mars, we see she has three chest orbs.

It is explained why she has three breasticles. It is logical why she approaches Ah-nolt. When Benny says he wishes he had three hands, we laugh at his casual objectification of this working woman.

See, a Paul Verhoeven film is actually more subtle – more subtle – and nuanced than a non-Paul Verhoeven film.

The new Total Recall does not bother trying to make sense. It makes some clumsy attempts at overlong exposition then sort of just gives up and moves on, explaining little else along the way.

Dave, who I saw the film with, asked a series of questions beginning as soon as the credits started rolling. He did not stop asking these questions through the walk out of the cinema, on the way to the bus stop, as we parted ways, or even after we’d split and I was receiving texts from him on the bus.

This shows both that Dave is an irritant, and that Total Recall 2012 has so many stupid fucking holes in it – more than even Prometheus – that it’s making me hate modern, mainstream sci-fi.

Come back Jim Cameron, all is forgiven. And come back Paul Verhoeven, I love you. Oh, and Joss Whedon. And whoever did The Man From Earth. And trashy 50s B-movie sci-fi flicks. And John Carpenter. And anyone else.

I seriously need to write something, because this shit gets made and I can be at least as good as Total Recall 2012. IT DID NOT EXPLAIN THE TRIPLE-TITS.


1 Comment

Filed under Prattle

One response to “Total Recall 2012, the definitive review (7/10)

  1. Sei

    Terrible film, premise was ridiculous, casting was atrocious, should be filed under fantasy for the brain out physics, and way too often aped the original in a manner that caused distracting and unfavourable mental echos of the previous better actors and story.
    I could rant for days about how wrong this film is, and how bad the cinema experience has become but your blog probably isnt the place for it.

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