Monthly Archives: August 2012

Apologies, I have none

Today I have sat with this blog open since about 6pm, and have not written a thing until now, 1.51am. I have not even tried to think of anything to write. And I am not fussed by this.

I do apologise if you have this blog as a part of your daily dose of stuff, though. I realise I have something of a duty to you to fill your minds with some words or – failing that – a video of something. But what? Well, two videos, because I’m nice and I saw them both today for the first time.

Italian Spider-Man:

The Amazing Bulk:

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

Hate for the sake of hate

I’m quite a negative person. You might find that hard to believe, but it’s true. No – don’t throw yourself into the pyre just because this revelation has hit you so hard in the pyre gland. I’ve accepted it. I know it. I live it. I am it.

But it doesn’t stop me getting annoyed at two things: being told I’m negative all the time, and others being blindly, unthinkingly negative.

While I highlight the many things I take issue with on a regular basis, there tends to be thought behind what I say and do. I may dismiss someone’s attempt at doing something as pointless and foolhardy, but I will rarely begrudge them trying.

When I am slating something for being the usual things – rubbish, pointless, mind-numbingly vacuous, whatever else – it isn’t because I am consumed with hatred and want all life on earth to end. It’s because I don’t like what I see, and I want to see better.

The anger doesn’t come from nowhere: it is borne from a burning desire to see the world a fairer, superior one to that what it is today. Even down to tiny little things.

I have no idea where I’m going with this, I’ve just found myself increasingly annoyed with the mindless negativity spewed from all angles and I want to highlight the fact that I consider myself separate from it.

I don’t hate just because it’s there. I hate for a reason. I don’t slate just because it’s something I’m not doing. I slate because I’ve found something to slate it for. I don’t instantly resort to bad-mouthing just because it’s the easiest way to react. I instantly resort to bad-mouthing because you’re an insufferable cunt.

But those who know me know me for my jolly personality and happy-go-lucky lifestyle, so that’s all I need to know. I may be lying.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

Side-stepping the truth LIKE A BOSS

I’m quite open on this blog. I say things I didn’t expect I would say publicly – in fact, I sometimes almost maybe possibly go a bit deep. It’s madness, frankly.

But I’m still not all-out, and this is something I wish I could train myself to go against. I self-censor. I don’t always say exactly what I think or exactly what I mean.

That’s not to say I lie – far from it, I don’t think I’ve been untruthful once here. Misguided? Sure. Idiotic? Of course. Loud? Definitely. But intentionally false? Nope.

I choose to sidestep more difficult topics, though. I either avoid them completely or talk about them in such vague terms you’d have to actually know what’s going on inside my head to be able to know what the hell I’m on about. Meaning not even I know what I’m on about.

I’m doing it now: not even naming what I’m thinking about when I talk of self-censorship. Just skirting around the edges, hoping people will pick up enough hints to make up their own minds.

It is a universal concept, mind you, with some more diligent about their self-censorship than others. But I don’t want to go in that direction.

I admire those who just be totally, 100%, unapologetically honest. The ones who will talk about anything in great detail – not for the attention, but because it’s telling a story. Those who will be so devastatingly honest about the things you do or don’t do as a human that you are actually met with a wave of relief on reading them: you’re not alone. Others are like you. You thought you were a freak, but there are people in the world who are freaks too. You’re less freakish.

So I’ll try to move towards uncensoring myself. Not for attention, not to embarrass or shock – but just to be honest. Just to be more human.

I’ll try and swiftly fail, that is, as I remember the people who read this blog and so remember I don’t want them finding things out about me. Shitballs.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle


I am ill, again, for the second time in a few weeks. This absolutely will not do. Stupid body, letting me down like an absolute bastard. It used to be really good at keeping infections away, but it seems the ravages of age have taken its ability to battle off those tiny, angry spaceships or whatever they were on that slightly weird French cartoon from my childhood were.

But I think this might be more serious than any of us imagined. For you see, I was bitten by a host of mosquitoes on Friday thanks to the combination of being in the forest, having shorts on, it being warm and it having been a wet summer. Bastard mozzies love that shit.

So I was bitten multiple times, leaving me with itchy welts all over my legs and arms.

It’s clearly malaria.

And so I’ve done what any rational human being does: checked Yahoo Answers for the solution to my malaria problem. Turns out I’m not the only one who suffers from British malaria, with one other user offering me some sound advice: don’t drink milk, as it will kill you (if you have malaria).

Unfortunately, as is my diet, I have consumed a fair bit of milk today. As such, I am clearly on my way out and not long for this mortal coil. I always thought milk would off me in some way, but I never expected it to have to team up with blood-borne parasites to get its way.

I shouldn’t have just looked up malarial symptoms. I’m worried now. Especially seeing as all illness has headaches involved.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

Monday Monkey lives for the weekend

Sometimes science does wonderful things, like apparently prove things that are quite clearly obvious.

You see, Monday Monkey does indeed live for the weekend. But Monday Monkey does not just hate Mondays. Monday Monkey hates Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays too. Not Fridays. Monday Monkey lives for the weekend, and the weekend comes very soon after – or technically during – Friday. So Fridays are good.

What I’m saying is, science of some sort has shown that people generally hate working, because they have to work, and having to work is shit and unnatural. And our ape brains don’t like it. Because, when you think about it, why the fuck would you?

Anyway, I also hate working on this blog so I’m not going to do any more of it today. I have other things to do and I’ve left it a bit too late and I have a yoghurt waiting for me in the fridge and some other excuses I haven’t quite thought of yet.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle


How easy is it to get a job on a cruise ship, preferably as the singer in the lounge band? Oh and I’d only want to sing covers (not the real version) of the Police hit (not the authority, the band) ‘Roxanne’, but I’d probably take all references out of her being a hooker, because all the old and rich people on the cruise don’t want to hear about hookers unless they’re talking about them.

I’m really comfortable right now, hookered the laptop up to the TV, laying on the sofa, talking shit in my head and making the words appear on the screen. It’s relaxing. Shame I feel terrible and have loads of work to do for very little reward.

Still, got a chunk of pork from Lidl for £2, so I’m guessing that’ll be quality eats. I don’t have anything to go with it, so will probably just have a porksicle in my underpants (not a euphemism).

I like living in the future, by the way, where I can stumble in at whatever in the a.m., pick up my iPad and press a few buttons to make Father Ted come on as if by magic.

Though other than that the future’s a bit shit.

Julian Assange is a cock, isn’t he? I almost bought into his shit for a while, turns out he’s a cult of personality-loving, walking ego that thinks he’s far more important than he is. And I always find that hiding from allegations against you makes you look a tad guiltier than just going to court.

Oh, Sweden. Who fears going to Sweden? Honestly. It’s a nice place. As long as you don’t (allegedly) rape someone. Or get accosted by that bloke who’d been on Sweden’s Got Talent. Man, he was annoying.


Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

I’ve discovered an exciting new author!

There are times – many, many, countless, so many times – when I feel like a bit of an idiot. One of the most frequent times this feeling pops up (a feeling which pops up many, many, countless, so many times) is when I realise I have missed out on something I clearly would have loved.

Today this happened with my reading of a short story by Mark Twain.

Now my knowledge of Mark Twain, whom I just unthinkingly wrote ‘Mark Twat’, isn’t terrible. I knew he was a writer of certain popular books, there was furore about the changing of the word ‘nigger’ to ‘slave’ (because that was a clever and subtle decision jesus h crikey) in modern times, Kurt Vonnegut always called him the best writer of all ever, and he was the subject of one of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventures in the cartoon where a man was measuring rope and every time he got to a certain length he would shout “Maaaark Twaaaain!” and Bill and Ted ran up and went “where?!” and it was funny and oh god why do I remember that.

Anyway, I wasn’t totally blind. So why had I not bothered reading his stuff? I do not know. Lunacy, maybe. But whatever the reason it has now made me feel a total idiot for missing out for 29 years, even though I haven’t been able to read for all of those years (I was born fully-literate, I lost the ability to read for a three year stretch in my early 20s as a result of acute iodine poisoning (this may be a lie)).

Anyway, I will rectify this. And apologise to whoever needs apologising to. Because Twain is clearly right up my alley, as he’s funny, witty, sarcastic and delightfully surreal. Just like me.

I’m saying I’m better than Mark Twain, basically.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle