I’m quite open on this blog. I say things I didn’t expect I would say publicly – in fact, I sometimes almost maybe possibly go a bit deep. It’s madness, frankly.
But I’m still not all-out, and this is something I wish I could train myself to go against. I self-censor. I don’t always say exactly what I think or exactly what I mean.
That’s not to say I lie – far from it, I don’t think I’ve been untruthful once here. Misguided? Sure. Idiotic? Of course. Loud? Definitely. But intentionally false? Nope.
I choose to sidestep more difficult topics, though. I either avoid them completely or talk about them in such vague terms you’d have to actually know what’s going on inside my head to be able to know what the hell I’m on about. Meaning not even I know what I’m on about.
I’m doing it now: not even naming what I’m thinking about when I talk of self-censorship. Just skirting around the edges, hoping people will pick up enough hints to make up their own minds.
It is a universal concept, mind you, with some more diligent about their self-censorship than others. But I don’t want to go in that direction.
I admire those who just be totally, 100%, unapologetically honest. The ones who will talk about anything in great detail – not for the attention, but because it’s telling a story. Those who will be so devastatingly honest about the things you do or don’t do as a human that you are actually met with a wave of relief on reading them: you’re not alone. Others are like you. You thought you were a freak, but there are people in the world who are freaks too. You’re less freakish.
So I’ll try to move towards uncensoring myself. Not for attention, not to embarrass or shock – but just to be honest. Just to be more human.
I’ll try and swiftly fail, that is, as I remember the people who read this blog and so remember I don’t want them finding things out about me. Shitballs.