Things to do before the big three-oh update II: this time it’s war

In less than a year I’ll be 30, which is annoying. Not because of age or ‘oh no I’m old’ or any such nonsense, but because it means I have less time to fulfil all the steps on my 30 List I did a while back.

So hey, let’s do an update on that definitely not because it’s late and I can’t think of anything else to do because I’ve been sat here all day not using my brain.

1. Write something funny for radio/television/whatever wider audience there is.

I wrote something funny in a magazine that nobody buys, if that counts.

2. Get myself out of debt, at least in part.

I haven’t got myself out of debt at all, but I am in less debt. This is me admitting I’m shit and have had help.

3. Eat enough beans for a random passer-by to exclaim “that’s a lot of beans!”

Nobody ever passes by when I eat beans, but I do eat more beans than I did both when I wrote this list and when I updated on it a while back.

4.Through a bean-based diet, lose some weight.

As my bean intake has increased, I would say I’ve lost more weight as the result of a bean-based diet. I could say it and actually mean it, which is weird. Hmm.

5. Following bean-exclamation and subsequent bean-diet, get as buff as Buff Bagwell (the clue’s in his name, amazingly).

Oh who can be arsed getting buff. It’s boring. And Bagwell is a twat.

6. Give up all hope of writing for telly, instead opt to reform Sharkey and George, crime-busters of the sea. On stage.

Shut up, past-Ian. You’re not funny.

7. See the Queen naked.

Oh well done Ian of 2010 you’re so edgy and wacky and why don’t you just fuck off, yeah?

8. See Queen naked.

We all see what you did there you stupid little shit, acting like you’re so funny by using the word Queen twice and meaning two differen things with it you’re not big or clever you’re just a smug little bastard.

9. Play Mass Effect 2 45 times.

Did you not even think this would need to be updated you mindless peon? That new games to draw your attention away from this one particular flash in the pan obsession would come out? Jesus, you’re dumber than I thought.

10. Re-write this list with more beans-based steps.

You haven’t even re-written a list, past-Ian. Pathetic. Except it would be reliant on me, future-Ian to re-write it. Meaning I am the one that has failed this step. Meaning oh god my brain’s about to explode.

Goodnight!

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