In what has to go down as the most hilarious injury I’ve ever had, I appear to have strained the right side of my gluteus maximus while partaking in a particular sporting activity the other day.

I’ve pulled my right buttock bowling.

At least, that’s what I assume has happened, as that’s the only time in the last few days I’ve done anything that involved movement of any real type, squatting, bending and other such things. Turns out my fine ass wasn’t quite ready for the brutal workout that is throwing a ball down a lane 60+ times in the space of a couple of hours.

Maybe it was the air hockey that pushed it over the edge. Or that stupid pool table on a slope.

Regardless, my backside sacrifice was not in vain, as I bagged the highest individual score on the day – and a personal best – of 180. I’ve been bowing since I was a tiny child, so I really should be better by now. Apparently not.

And apparently I strain my backside playing the damn game.

Seriously, body: fuck you. You’re a waste of space. Be better. I mean, I appreciate how hilarious you’re being by having this specific injury occur, but come on now. We all know I don’t get embarrassed by things like this, so what’s the point? I’m just going to get hopped up on painkillers and play football anyway, so you’re not stopping me there.

Ah, sorry – the blog has switched to me having an imaginary chat with my bum. Instead of the usual fare where I just talk out of it.

Ba-dum tish.



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