The ballad of Ethan, the coachboy

If your kid is ever going to end up sitting next to me on a coach, please do this simple test to see whether or not the coach ride will end up with a dead child/me/you/all of the above. Then at least you’ll have the chance to prepare accordingly – it’s only fair.

-Does the child move about constantly, kicking and elbowing me and seeming not to notice they are doing this?

If yes, they are a prick and should not sit next to me.

-Does the child keep on fucking about with things and, all while doing them, stare at me as if to get some kind of reaction?

If yes, they are a prick and should not sit next to me.

-Does the child have an iPad (not first-gen, no idea what gen) they use to play games that involve tilting and moving about a lot (ties in to the first question) and that they have on full volume while playing?

If yes, they are a prick and should not sit next to me. Really, though, if you can afford an iPad, you can afford headphones for the little dickweed.

-Does the child, when you ask it to move for other people, say no, throw a strop then stomp off somewhere else on the coach?

If yes, they are a prick and should not sit next to me. You should also stop trying to bargain with a seven-year-old.

-Does the child keep on fucking making fucking annoying fucking noise all the time for no reason at all?

If yes, they are a prick and should not sit next to me.

Seriously, kids can get tae fuck. If I was a terrible human being I would have slapped that little shit today. Fortunately for Ethan (I know his name because mummy kept on attempting her bargains by addressing him by name “Ethan if you have this we can do this later” “Ethan could you turn it down a little bit? No? Just halfway? No? It’s annoying people on the coach, Ethan, so could you please… okay. No, then.” “Ethan calm down, you’re hitting that gentleman next to you who looks like he’s about to stab the place up and OH GOD HE’S GOT A HAMMER…” etc), I am not a terrible human being.

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