Tag Archives: adverts

Consolidate all your existing money into no money

I don’t mind ads for selling your gold, selling your CDs to a covetous bird that often brings misfortune (OH THE IRONING), trading in your shit*or whatever else. They’re a bit bottom of the barrel and aimed at scumbags like myself, but they’re fine – you’re selling your shit to people for a bit of cash. Not a lot, and you’re certainly being ripped off, and there are definitely ways you can make more money with a tiny little bit more effort (the excuse of “I can’t be bothered” was thrown at me so many times in CEX it’s unreal – well done, you just sold Street Fighter III on Dreamcast for £2, you monumental idiot).

But it’s not shady.

But then in the same ad breaks you’ll have things for money lenders. They explain the process, they explain how much you’ll have to pay back, the interest rate isn’t hidden – it’s quite big in the small print and none of it is anything other than above board.

But… it’s just loan sharking. Legitimised and advertised. Put a suit on it and call it a business, that kind of thing.

When a friend offers a loan, they’re unlikely to ask you pay interest on it. If they do, it’ll likely be “I’ll loan you X amount, you pay me back X+1 amount”. Fine. If a bank offers a loan, they’ll charge interest, usually around 17-30% or something, which accrues at a fairly reasonable, manageable rate.

But these things with their 1734% interest rates, with their bright lighting schemes and happy, working, middle class pretty young women deciding it’s a good idea to loan money in the short term – that’s insane. That’s some of the most blatant bullshit – if not actually outright lies – I have ever seen in any advertising, at all, ever.

Say what you want about chocolate ads and their procession of ‘if you eat chocolate all the time you’ll still be as skinny and pretty as this skinny pretty girl also all women have a secret stash of chocolate WHY DON’T YOU’ – at least they’re just asking for 60p out of you. Not 60p then 1734% interest calculated on a secondly basis and… sigh.

Today has not been a good day.

*Though gaming publishers and a lot of gamers would mind that, for they are idiots wholly against the concept of owning something and being able to do what the fuck you want with it.

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WARNING: THIS IS AN ADVERT WITH A TOY INSIDE

I saw some adverts just now, and they almost managed to be as stupid as the one where a scotch egg has sex with a bottle of orange pop. I mean, not quite, because that’s physically impossible. But these were some dumb elements to adverts that I feel the need to write about because I definitely had so many good blog ideas today. Here we go:

Warning: Toy Inside
It seems children – and parents – these days need to be both reminded that Kinder Eggs exist and that they include toys in them. I shit thee not, the small print on the advert says ‘Warning: toy inside’. In a Kinder Egg. The entire point of a Kinder Egg being that they have toys inside them. I see no warning on shampoo ads saying ‘Danger: shampoo contained within’, or make-up adverts that say ‘Attention: tested on gibbon anuses’

McDonald’s does KFC food, Burger King does McDonald’s food
So ‘should have failed a few years ago, actually massively succeeded’ McDonald’s has taken inspiration from the militaristic poultry emporium by bringing out fried chicken wraps. They sound like the most boring things in the world. And probably are. As for the eternal, royal competition, Burger King has decided to start selling chicken McNuggets.

Where’s the imagination in the most creative of industries, fast food? WHERE I AM SHOCKED OH MY GOD etc.

Malibu think people are stupid enough to do a dance they’ve cynically created for the purpose of an advert
And you know what? People are stupid enough.

This is an advertisement
When this has to be pointed out on an advert you know the world is a much dumber place than it has to be. Le sigh.

Yeah, this was all in the space of a single advert break, by the way.

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The McDonald’s poem advert: my version

I don’t watch TV a huge amount, and one of the key reasons is because I cannot stand adverts. It may shock you to learn I’ve been over this before. But out of all of the rip-offs, all of the sanctimonious, insincere nonsense, of all the half-baked notions of ‘art’, the other rip-offs and the painfully unfunny scripts that take up your mind-time in ad breaks, there is one thing that makes me want to vomit my gonads out through my nostrils before picking said gonads up and ramming them down the throat of whichever prick it is that first thought of this fucking advert. I present to you exhibit A:

Rather than keep on whining though, instead I’m going to combat this menace with a poem of my own. Bear with me, I haven’t written one of these since I was in the sixth form.

Now the scallies and the scrotes
The idiots and the muppets
Were just going for a Maccy D’s.

And the other townies and chavs
Called Shaz, or Baz
Were just spending their benefits on Big Macs for their six-month-old babies.

The morons and scrubbers
Too poor of intelligence to notice this stuff kept them pizza-faced well into adulthood
Were just passing by… but then stopping in because they can’t resist a MACCY D’s.

Then the thieves and the muggers
The kind who’ll happily stab chuggers
Turned up to spend the money they’d robbed from an old woman on Quarter Pounders.

And the children who should know better
And their parents who aren’t much older
Are just getting drunk and arguing with the security guard on the door.

Now the neds with their baseball caps
Aren’t surprised McDonald’s needs security guards
‘Cos they were the ones who stabbed someone in the bogs last week.

Then the inquisitive little girl
Just had to go and hurl
When she asked daddy what they put in those milkshakes.

And Gaz, Baz and Daz
All halfway through a night on the razz
Were just having a brawl in the children’s area.

Then it all just sinks in
An epiphany over the din
“I think I will just pass this place by”.

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I hate adverts. No witty title here – I just do

I’m sure this is an attitude held by most of you out there who have some smarts about you, even if you will still let some ads off for having a ‘cute’ jingle, a ‘HILARIOUS’ slogan or a ‘fucking annoying’ character in them. But I hate adverts. I really do. Not in the “oh god, ads are on, I’m going to make a cup of tea” way. I will actually stay right where I am so I can watch these things, so I can take them in, analyse them, think about what prompted them, what they’re trying to say and what they’re all about in order to be able to truly tear them limb from limb. It’s the old-fashioned trait of having a borderline obsession with your mortal enemy.

It would be possible for me to simply list all the recent adverts I’ve seen and what’s wrong with them, why you should want to shoot yourself every time they’re on and why we are poorer as a species for the fact they exist. But there’s no need – there are others out there doing just this, doing it better and doing it in a handy, list-o-blog thing for easy dissemination. And after ten minutes of hardcore searching (I’ve forgotten what the site I was thinking about is called), I can present you with no link whatsoever. Bollocks. Needless to say, it’s great. Just go to this one, even though I’ve not read it properly and it wasn’t the one I was thinking of. (EDIT: Ash found it, like a king amongst men. Go here)

In lieu of a link to a better site, I’ll just have to put one example here for you. Let’s watch a classic clip from one of the best comedy shows ever made, Big Train: GO. Now let’s watch the recent RightMove advert and try our hardest to spot some similarities. GO. It’s not the most blatant rip-off in the history of the world (hello Coors/Flight of the Conchords, you absolutely sickening cunts), but it’s still damn irritating. Come up with your own ideas you whiny, awful, pathetic little parasites. We’re all guilty of taking inspiration from others – it’s how we grow in a creative medium (see: this very blog, taken from the ideas of others) – but there’s a point when you’re just cruising by, making money hand-over-fist through ripping off the ideas of those who actually bothered to sit around and have an original thought. I honestly could not give two shits if most people in marketing were to just die tomorrow. In fact, this rant isn’t even original. It was done many times over by someone who was far angrier about it than I could ever be.

Much as it pains me to link to a Bill Hicks clip, I will. Here. It’s not that I don’t want to link to the man – he was brilliant, obviously, and the world is worse off for his death etc, etc, etc. But I’ve been around far too many self-righteous hippy/alternative/trendy students who will talk about the man as if he’s some kind of unknown quantity. Fact: everyone who knows good comedy knows Bill Hicks. I wouldn’t have stand-up comedians as my specialist subject on Mastermind, don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to have ridiculous levels of comi-knowledge. I’m not being arrogant. I… look: we know about him, alright? Shut up. He was very good, he wasn’t the funniest man in the world, nor did he always speak the incontrovertible truth. He was just really fucking good and absolutely necessary.

Though, those of you who aren’t familiar with his work just rape Youtube for all his clips. Fantastic stuff, and still just as pertinent today, so long as you switch out the cultural references for more modern ones. Or just leave them as they are, should you get off on satire based around New Kids on the Block.

Where was I?

I don’t just hate all these awful, awful rip-off adverts – I also hate the ones that are just so mind-numbingly bad you hope that 99942 Apophis actually will hit us. Just to release us from the unending vomit of “GO COMPAAAARE”, “simples!”, “one one eiiight, twenty-four seven…” and all the rest of this inexcusable shite that has the temerity to get embedded in my head. Yes, that’s my main issue with all of this – I hate them, I want them all to piss off and die, I will fight to my last breath to end them all but… well – they’re winning. I’m aware of their products, of their adverts, of their campaigns and the style they’re going with this month. They’re making me hate myself a bit more than normal.

Fuck you, adverts. This is without even getting into the minefield that is targeted advertising in video games, on Facebook and the like. Gah.

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