Tag Archives: aliens

Six films you have to like OR I WON’T LIKE YOU

There are movies that are good, ones that are bad, ones that are funny, ones that are sad. There are movies you people like, and movies you’re wrong about. Movies I like, and movies that… well, no – there’s only really movies I like.

Everything else is irrelevant.

There are certain films out there that I like a lot. Films that, if you spend any amount of time with me, I will make you watch. Why do I do this? It’s an elaborate test (minus the ‘elaborate’ factor). If you too like these films, I probably won’t hate you as much as I do other people.

So as a public service, here’s six movies that I like – and if you don’t like them, I probably hate you and you should most likely kill yourself:

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Best film ever made? Yep. I have made no less than three girls cry by making them watch this film.

Wait, that sounds really bad.

I have suggested watching T2 to three girls, separately, each of whom believed they would not enjoy it and scoffing at the fact I said an Arnie film could be genuinely good. All three of them cried at the end of T2. At an action film. At an Arnie film.

That bit where he just walks from the truck to the cab of the juggernaught without a single fuck given, doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t stop – it is the single most heroic thing anyone has ever done in any film ever.

God I love Terminator 2.


Who’s the best character on Aliens? Is it Ripley and her cloying, annoying desire to make Newt her surrogate daughter? Is it Newt herself in her only acting role ever? Is it Hicks and his dull everyman persona? Apone and his over-chewed cigars? Spunkmeyer and his wonderful name? Vasquez and her “I’m the motherly mother Janine from Terminator 2”?

It’s Hudson, you blathering idiots. The single most heroic [SPOILER]death[/SPOILER] in any film ever. Seems like a joke character, you wonder why he’s even in the Colonial Marines – how could he have even passed any entrance exams? He’s insubordinate, irritating, sarcastic, unprofessional and – seemingly – cowardly.

Then that bit happens, and everyone watching goes “ohhhh” in unison.

Oh, right, the film. Aliens is brilliant. I like when I tell people I like Aliens and they ask “which one?” THE ONE CALLED ALIENS YOU FUCKNUGGETS.

Total Recall

Two… weeks… twwwooo… weeeeeks…

A film that gives me incredibly warm feelings for the entire sci-fi genre. Also Paul Verhoven. Also yes I’ve heard that fucking commentary I got the damn DVD about ten years ago you SLOWER THAN ME BASTARDS.

See you at the party Richter!

You think this is Quaid? IT IS.

If you don’t like a film with a three-boobed hooker in it then you have no soul. I don’t associate with people who have no souls.

Life Is Beautiful (La Vida Es Bella) EDIT: (I actually meant the Italian title, wasn’t really paying attention – La Vita E Bella)

Yeah, it’s a ‘proper’ film what of it wanna fight about it I’ll kick your ass. But strangely, people are reticent to watch this flick with me. Usually after they’ve heard me give them a synopsis along the lines of “I’m well manly me and it made me cry like a six-year-old who’s just had their ice cream stolen by a crow and then their puppy got ran over right in front of their eyes and then their parents died also it’s about a Jewish family in the Second World War”.

No idea why people might not want to go out of their way to watch that. It is a fantastic film, though. Plus the first half confuses people, because it’s cheesy slapstick peppered with even cheesier lines and a lead character who comes across as a bit of a bellend – in the nicest possible way.

But it turns, and then you realise just why you’ve been fed this set up.

Blade Runner

It’s a depressed Han Solo in the future where it never stops raining hunting down robo-people and he might be a robo-person himself or is he OR IS HE? Also: boiled egg hands.

Blade Runner is one of the most atmospheric and interesting sci-fi films I’ve ever seen. It made me love Rutger Haueurueurrr, I’m still scared of JF Sebastian’s little midget robo-friends (the freak bastards) and the Final Cut version is actually good. Though not entirely necessary.

Oh plus symbolism, the question of who is and isn’t human, what it is to be human, why Roy Batty does what he does, if Edward James Olmos is secretly Adama throughout the whole film and… umm… some other stuff. I’ve lost my train of thought because I want to watch Blade Runner now.

Jackass: The Movie

If you don’t rate this – and its sequels – as up there with the funniest films ever made then you can just fuck right off. I’m not joking. Comedy doesn’t have to be intelligent to be very funny indeed, and anybody sneering arrogantly in the direction of Jackass – a series where 90% of the stunts and japes were played with so much heart, so much of a sense of fun – can and should shut up and go back to their lives of miserable twattishness.

Did I mention I like sci-fi, Arnie and James Cameron? Anyway, these aren’t my top five or any such nonsense. Also I like more than six films; I’m not that boring.

Ah, 900 words. Oops.

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The chances of anything coming from Rhea? One to one, quite possibly.

So if we lookey here we can see that NASA has a press conference arranged for this coming Thursday. In it there will be an announcement, or talk, or mention, or something relating to the search for extraterrestrial life. As in, aliens. As in, creatures from another world. As in, oh jesus crikey I’m shitting myself.

But then normal, rational Ian takes over. What’s the announcement going to be about? I have a few speculative brain-farts I’d like to throw out, and none of them are particularly funny or interesting. No, wait – they’re all really funny and incredibly interesting. Yeah, that’s the way to encourage “web” “traffic”.

You may have seen recently that they – ‘they’ being the space twits at NASA – discovered that Saturn’s moon Rhea had some of that oxygen stuff in its atmosphere, along with some of that carbon dioxide stuff. Now this got tongues wagging – as far as my limited understanding goes, the presence of oxygen and/or carbon dioxide could very well indicate the presence of biological organisms on the planet. It could also mean some specific chemical reactions are being set off that are nothing to do with living things, we don’t know yet. But I would say my bet is on… hmm. I don’t know. I may postulate some more.

My second theory is that it’s nothing at all, and they’re just calling a press conference as it’s something they do quite often. It will be some blokes saying “we had a look, we didn’t find anything. Soz.” There’s actually a fair chance this will happen, actually. Not that I want it to.

My own, personal, third theory that nobody else in the world could ever come up with is presented in picture form:

We’re doomed.

I will be awaiting the announcement with bated breath, however. I’m sceptical it will be anything of real note, but that’s just how I am. While I don’t believe it will be any kind of monumental announcement, that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful it is. Even if it’s a shitty single-celled organism – it’s a fucking alien species from another planet.

And to think I was stupid enough to write that story about life being found under the frozen surface of Europa. What a fool I was! Ahem. I mean… err… I never wrote that story. I am definitely not a nerd. I really don’t want to watch Star Trek right now. Hmm.

Wow, I’m actually excited. That’s broken my cynicism-rhythm. Don’t let me down, NASA – give us some more things to put in front of fundamentalist theists to see how they explain these away (N.B. this is not the only reason I want them to have found something, it’s just something that popped into my head now).

Squeeeeeeeeee! (That’s probably how the aliens talk, too)

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Ants in my pants (“room”)

My flat is currently under attack. Well, more like under siege, except without Seagal. And I can be beaten in the kitchen. No, this is a siegettack from the industrious little bastards of the insect world: ants. They’re not overrunning the place but it is slightly annoying, especially as I haven’t layered the floor with a combination of honey and sugar (read: it’s not covered in ant food here). But still they come.

I have decided to fight back though. This aggression will not stand, man. I have been looking into ways in which I can combat these little bastards in order to stop them being on my table every now and then. Gits. The training has so far encapsulated watching both Alien and Aliens – we all know the xenomorph is similar to an ant in many ways, so it’s a fine way to figure out how to combat them. I am currently building a flamethrower, and the motion tracker just has a few faults to iron out (namely: it doesn’t track motion). I have so far discovered that I can shout “LET’S ROOOOCK!” at the ants and they… react. A bit.

The second element of training has been in video game form, and has been to play Earth Defence Force 2017. This game sees you running around the world, destroying the threat posed by giant ants of doom. I have learned you should buy an assault rifle, as well as hide in the sea for a bit. The sea is quite close in Bournemouth, so this could work nicely. See the attached:

I think, in the long run, the ants are going to win. Must step up the training efforts.

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One previous owner

Having picked up Terminator 2 (Skynet Edition) on Blu-ray recently, I am now the proud owner of the Greatest Film Ever Made in no less than five different forms: pirated VHS, purchased VHS, director’s cut recorded from TV on VHS, Ultimate Edition DVD and finally this latest addition. I know you’re impressed. I am. After all, who wouldn’t want to have lots of different versions of what is essentially the same film, just with added bits here and there and different audio tracks or varying visual fidelity? Only a fool, quite clearly. Though I’m obviously not totally committed as I’ve missed out on a couple of other releases. I’ll blame a hangover, or something.

This made me think of all the times I’ve ‘traded up’ on something that really didn’t need to be changed or improved upon at all. One of the best examples was buying series one to four of South Park on their original UK releases, only to dump them when the American releases came about years later. Why? Umm… five minute commentaries on episodes? Yes, that’ll do as a reason, I’m sure. Granted, the UK versions were essentially retired at series four, but I’m sure even if I’d owned more of them I’d have been more than happy to trade up.

But why? What’s the point? Some barely-recognisable benefit over the original? Terminator 2 is the best example of this, with the Blu-ray release offering nothing over the mega-super-ultra DVD which was re-released about fifteen different times, beyond an increased visual quality that’s not that much of an increase over the upscaled DVD on my not-that-great TV.

And you know what? I couldn’t give two sods about it. I’m going to keep on buying these incremental updates to the movies I love. I would make that into a magical List of Three, with something like ‘movies I love, games I play and albums I listen to’ but, well – that would be a lie. It’s only movies that really get away with this behaviour. I’m still waiting on the Aliens series to be released on Blu-ray so I can upgrade my already upgraded-once-from-VHS-twice-from-DVD series, and as for Star Wars? Well that’s pushing into T2 territory for Most Updated award.

It could be argued that games fall into this trap, mind you, with the incremental yearly updates of sports games (and lately things like Call of Duty). I do tend to upgrade once a year, on the dot when something with next year in its title comes along. See: FIFA, Football Manager, Smackdown vs Raw etc. This, of course, ignores the likes of Resident Evil which – while it has been re-released countless times – hasn’t seen much in the way of incremental updates. More: no updates at all. I still haven’t let them off for the Gamecube versions of Resi 2 and 3.

It’s interesting, but I can’t be bothered analysing the behaviour or why I do it. Nor am I going to bother trying to correct it or limit it in any way. After all, they might release another version of Predator soon, and that’s something the whole world needs.

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