Tag Archives: apple

Darwin? More like WANKER.

What’s going to be the next step in human evolution? I remember seeing a programme a long time ago that theorised how people involved with space travel/colonising other worlds would end up evolving to suit their conditions more. Frankly it was all speculative nonsense (based on SCIENCE), but for some reason it has stuck with me for a while. Something about people living in zero-gravity being tall and thin, or some such shit.

Anyway, I ask this – I’m reminded of this – because of something that’s just happened to me. Something that could easily have been avoided were it not for the fact I haven’t yet evolved like I clearly should have. After all, I am so much more than any of you pathetic humans could ever hope to be. Or something.

But no, my body remains the same as pretty much every other nerdlinger out there. Which means that when I eat apples I run the risk of getting a bit wedged between my two bottom-front* teeth. As I have done right now. And it’s annoying me. It feels like the teeth are being pushed apart by the tiniest sliver of apple skin. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like it. I don’t have any toothpicks. I may try brushing it out, but I doubt it will work – it seems wedged in pretty well.

So it naturally lead me to the question of evolution: why haven’t I evolved to the point that I don’t get food stuck between my teeth? Surely it makes sense to evolve that trait, seeing as it would mean less wasted morsels, more nutrition for myself and therefore more chance of me growing to 18 feet tall (and being made of gold).

Answer me that, DARWIN. You bearded twat.

*Not front-bottom teeth. That’s something entirely different.

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A dark day for Dransfield

As of January, something pretty major is going to change in my life. On the tenth day of the month – just over a week into space year 2011, just a few days before I go to New York and just 11 days before Darling Sweetheart Girlfriend’s birthday I will become something totally different. I will become something I never expected to become, and something I had honestly never really wanted to become. It will change me to my very soul, and I know there’s nothing I can do to divert that inevitability.

I will become an iPad owner.

I will become one of the buzzword-spouting, wannabe-artistic, can’t-use-a-real-computer, arrogant-because-they’re-told-they’re-right-to-be  twats I dislike so very much. There’s no two ways about it, as I simply will not be able to resist the magnetic pull. After all, it is a nice product. Ahem.

Fortunately I can at least maintain some of my integrity, even taking into account my previous postings decrying ownership of iPads and iPhones. I’m not buying this thing – I’m not using my own money to become a part of this merry dance. No, it’s a bizarrely generous Christmas gift from my workplace. I did not succumb. The mountain (“iPad”) is coming to Mohammed (“Ian”)*. Therefore I can quite easily and reasonably convincingly justify this to myself while at the same time remaining somewhat hostile to the whole iThing cult. You could say I’m having my cake (“iPad”) and eating it (“maintaining negative opinions about the brand and culture behind it”).

But I’m not going to eat the iPad. It’s too valuable for that. No, I’m going to nurse it. It will be my child. I will love it. It will make me a cooler person and a more boho, modern chap. Yes. iPad. I love you. iPad. Yes…

Wait, what?

*For anyone reading this that follows the Islamic faith: I am in no way comparing myself to Mohammed. No, I see myself as more of a Jesus-type, what with the scraggly beard and proclivity for hanging around with social outcasts.

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THIS IS THE NEWS

Did you see the news? DID YOU SEE THE NEWS? I quite literally couldn’t literally literally believe it – literally. Today started off so normal, but once this news was released my day – nay, my life was changed forever. Today will go down forever as having made an indelible mark on very soul. I shouldn’t have the repeat the NEWS now, but I will just to be sure: Apple announced The Beatles’ albums will be available for purchase on iTunes.

Now just let that sink in for a while. Even if you had already heard the news, you’ll probably need a few minutes, at least, to let it all re-sink in. I know I do. Just re-reading that sentence has got me all-a-flutter.

I understand some may claim that other issues – budget concerns, massive cuts to major services across the country, the failing state of Ireland – might be the only thing we should be really talking about, I for one am glad the news media has seen fit to give The Beatles being on iTunes reasonably major billing on their outlets.

I actually overheard some moron earlier whining that this was “glorified advertising”. No. See, I happen to know a thing or two about advertising, and this certainly isn’t advertising. Why? Because it’s news. It’s as simple as that. Granted, it’s free column inches for a company making the public aware of a product they sell, but that’s not advertising. It’s Apple, for fuck’s sake! They’re news in their own right, as we all know.

I am glad this was in the news today. It has really perked me up something spectacular.

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The Apple press conference prediction script

[Apologies for the formatting – I’m not a professional script writer, hard as it may be to believe]

INT. APPLE PRESS CONFERENCE, 6PM, JULY 16

STEVE JOBS walks onto a large stage in front of an audience numbering around a thousand. He is wearing clothes that make him look like Peter Molyneux’s best friend/a cartoon of a Frenchman. He looks sheepish as he gazes toward the crowd, a slight furrow in his brow betraying how this event is making him feel. He pauses, steels himself and takes a deep breath.

STEVE JOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have gathered you here today to make an announcement. Now, many of you have bought the new iPhone because I told you you wanted one. Unfortunately, we hadn’t bothered to design the thing properly and it didn’t work how it was supposed to.”

The crowd murmurs a little, with a few scattered whoops and one voice from an elderly gentlemen heard to proclaim “I was saying Boo-urns”. The noise settles, JOBS continues:

STEVE JOBS: “As I said, I have an announcement. The announcement is this: you were all wrong. You are all idiots for thinking we could possibly make a mistake. I cannot believe you, you bunch of utter schmos. The fact that you would have the brazen audacity to question Apple – to question me makes my blood boil.”

JOBS begins pacing back and forth across the stage, his voice cracking with anger and the pace of his words increasing the more angry he gets.

STEVE JOBS: “Everything you ever didn’t know you wanted, we have given you. You didn’t want FACESPEAKTALK technology – we gave it to you. You didn’t give two shits about an app that let you simulate drinking beer – we gave the facility for someone to create and distribute that program to you. You thought you wanted a phone with an antennae that worked when you held it left handed – well here’s the rub: you didn’t. And you know why? Because I fucking said so.”

The crowd is staring to get restless, with murmuring making way for the beginning of some full-scale rabble. JOBS’ face darkens.

STEVE JOBS: “SILENCE!”

The crowd ceases its nattering instantly.

STEVE JOBS: “Guards! Bring the prisoner!”

Two GUARDS drag a hooded, bound MAN onto the stage. Judging by his lack of movement or struggle, the MAN is either unconscious, drugged or too exhausted to offer any kind of resistance.

STEVE JOBS: “Now, ladies and gentlemen. Do you remember this man?”

JOBS removes the hood from the MAN, who is revealed to be JASON CHEN.

STEVE JOBS: “Many of you will have seen Chen’s article on Gizmodo where he leaked the iPhone 4 before it was released. Many of you will have had the surprise of its release – and intentionally weird-functioning antennae – ruined by this man. As such it has been decreed by me, Steve Jobs, that Jason Chen will pay the ultimate price for his betrayal of all of you.”

The GUARDS return to the stage, each carrying a rifle. JOBS props CHEN up against the back wall, the guards take aim and fire. CHEN slumps to the floor, dead of guns. The whole process takes less than ten seconds. There is faint, shocked murmuring in the crowd.

STEVE JOBS: “So you see – you are fucking happy with how the antennae works in the iPhone 4. Do you understand me? There will be no recall; no software update; no apologetic gesture on the part of my company for what you fools perceived to be a mistake on my part. We do not make mistakes. People like him [gestures towards CHEN] make mistakes… and you see where they end up.”

The crowd sit in silence, captivated and terrified by every word from JOBS.

STEVE JOBS: “Oh – and we’d like to announce a refurb of the App Store starting from next week! Thanks for coming!”

JOBS leaves the stage and the curtains draw. CHEN’s lifeless body is left showing – a reminder to the slowly-leaving crowd of the power of JOBS.

FADE TO BLACK.

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iPads and some wankers who own them

Sitting across from us on the train today were two men – casual business types, tucked in shirts with jeans and shoes. You know the kind. They were discussing businessy things in an affable manner. It was the kind of thing I normally wouldn’t pay attention to, were it not for the fact that both of them were boasting about their fucking iPad cases. Not only that, but one of the men was demonstrating to the other a few iPad features in a video on his Macbook, while they both caressed their own iPads and one of them texted on his iPhone. I’m not joking. I have a photo on my phone, but I can’t find the cable I need to transfer it (pesky limited technology, if only there were some easy-to-use system possibly involving wifi or 3G I could use on some kind of phone-like object in order to transfer the file easily…).

I find it hilarious and reasonably infuriating that these utter dickheads managed to steal some of my attention away from 30 Rock on the way home. How they could be such oblivious, unbelievable twats I do not know.

But then I think – “I’m in the business of videogames, I tend to sit on the train with workmates chatting about videogames, often while playing videogames. Therefore I am just as bad as these people.”

But then I think: “Nah”, because I don’t opt to play on the PSP in public just to show the surrounding plebs how big my swingin’ cod is. And all is right in the world again.

(Shite entry, sorry. Think I’ve got quiche poisoning)

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