Tag Archives: BEANS

Food, eating and all that shit.

I have established earlier that I am incapable of looking after myself, feeding my stupid face noodles, pasta and other such simple, un-nourishing nonsense. I like it that way. That way is fun, tasty, sexy and easy. I don’t have to try to pretend to look after myself. But did I mention I have a girlfriend? She’s here now. She comes down south fairly often, and every time she does, my incredible plans go right out of the window.

For you see, this insane girl feels she has to feed me what would be classified as “real” food. She gets what I have read are called “ingredients”, mixes them “together” and makes “food” for “me” to eat. It’s not cool – it’s insane. Tonight I’m having roast chicken with bean stew. What’s going on?

I’m comfortable in what I eat. Noodles: they may have all the nutritional value of a pregnant pause, but they are salty and delicious. Pasta? I can make a vat of it to last a week and it costs me a couple of quid. There’s none of this ‘salt’ or ‘spices’ or other such nonsense. It’s simple, just like my brain, and it makes it easier for me to carry on living.

Having said that, this does smell amazing and I do really prefer this actual food to the nonsense I shove down my own gullet. Well done, woman.

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Memo-review #1: Syndicate

I have been playing games for over 20 years now, and I’ve been the absurdly proud owner of my very own gaming machine since Christmas of ’89, when my brother and I were given an Amiga 500. As a result, I have a lot of memories backed-up and built-up through my brainsphere relating to the games I played through those formative years of my life. I would like, therefore, to take the time over coming weeks and months to reminisce a little about some particular standout titles that have lived with me, shaped me in some way or just never really got out of my head. Rather than going the easy route and downloading ROMs to re-play them and refresh myself, I will instead be conducting these reviews entirely from memory, hence some facts may be a bit squiffy. Bear with me.

First up is one of my top three games ever made: Syndicate. I have waxed lyrical about this game so much that… it… needs more wax and lyrics? Regardless, I loved it. I was my perfect world when I was a growing boy: the future, lasers, flying cars, miniguns, ginger toupees, trenchcoats, a gang of men who did everything you told them to without question, trees that set on fire – seriously, it was perfect for demi-Ian.

I think the thing that amazed me the most about Syndicate was its liberal use of beans. They were everywhere – from the graffiti daubed on walls to the cars that swamped the future-roads being filled with their tasty goodness. No one forgets the first time they opened the hovercar door only to have their agents washed away in a sea of Heinz’s best! But that’s where your research team would come in, eventually coming up with the Bean-deflect-o-shield and, further down the line, the Anti-bean Cannon, which fired toast to soak up the hazardous bean juice, if I’m remembering it correctly.

Players were tasked, if memory serves, with liberating central Swansea from the encroaching nefarious types known as ‘foreigners’. Thing was, Swansea in the future actually looked – if you can believe it– a lot like Hull! Oh, the potential for hilarity was endless, let me tell you, what with endless chances of getting the Swansea Fish Shop mixed up with the Hull Fish Shop and such other japes. I’m sure the developers, who were made up of a rag-tag bunch of Hell’s Angels forced together through their mutual love for coding videogames, did this on purpose just for shits and giggles.

But the defining moment in Syndicate, for me personally, was the final boss battle. On reaching Swansea Bus Station you were confronted by the mastermind of the entire ‘foreigner’ operation: the Queen. The battle was intense and difficult, and if you didn’t use all of the skills you’d learned through the game then you’d likely be overwhelmed by her Corgis (she threw them like grenades – or “dog bombs” as the game called them – and required liberal flamethrower use to overcome) or unable to resist when she demanded you bow to her (also solved with the flamethrower). It took me years to do that boss, but one day I did. And I never felt better about any boss since.

Like I say though, this is all from memory, and we all know that we tend to put the rose-tinted specs on when thinking about the past so you’ll have to forgive me some of my involuntary flights of fancy. I hope you enjoyed the memo-review, as I intend to fit in as many as I can before my brain completely packs in on me.

7/10

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Gender roles in modern society

I was very tempted to write a list of my own following on from what the above says (click it for the bigger version), but it really does cover everything that needs to be said. Frankly, it should take over from the Bible as the most popular piece of factual literature ever printed and it would be difficult for me to add anything worthwhile. Still, I’m going to – because I am a man, and as such my topics of conversation are more important than yours. Though only if you’re female. If you’re male, that’s a bit of a quagmire – I mean, who are we to judge which man is more important than the other? How could we possibly put value on what an individual (male) has to say over another person (of the same sex: male)? We couldn’t, which is why all men should never talk to each other, lest they have opinions and ruin the day.

Anyway, it’s list time!

  • When your man-master (from here on referred to as ‘manster’) says “jump”, you ask “how high?” You then receive a beating for questioning his command.
  • When your manster tells you that the television show you are watching is shit, you immediately turn the TV off. You should then take to the set with a hammer, destroying any chance of whatever celebrity gobshite was on the show defiling the sanctity of your home ever again.
  • If your manster demands beans, you should have beans to hand.
  • Make sure you’re always “store-testing” for fresher coffee. Or: this happens.
  • When your manster is enjoying a brief, ten-hour session of videogaming delights, bear these things in mind: shut up, get out of the way, stop questioning things that are going on in the game and for the love of god don’t you dare laugh at it. Unless commanded to do so, of course.
  • When your manster tells you that you do indeed look good in whatever you are wearing, he is lying. You should immediately go and disfigure yourself as penance – though make sure it isn’t in an area visible to others when fully clothed. You wouldn’t want to embarrass your manster, now – would you?
  • Because if you embarrass him…
  • Know your role, and shut your mouth.

I think that about covers the extra-basics. Read, ingest and fully take on board, and together we can create a better society. One where we are all as equal as we deserve to be, and women are as subservient as they should be.

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My Come Dine With Me menu

Yeah, I’ve deleted that first image as it stopped being funny. I’m so fucking tired.

As it says on the tin (snarf!), really. I’m well classy, so I’d have loads of courses and the guests would be all like “WHOA!” and I’d be all like “DAMN RIGHT!” then everyone would be all like “OM NOM” and I’d be totally like “FUCK YEAH”.

THING BEFORE STARTER:

Bag of Lidl’s Alesto Nuts Royal (walnuts taken out)

STARTER:

Single plain Ryvita and whatever cheese is in the fridge, ala microwave (20 seconds)

BETWEEN COURSE SNACKING:

Tin of Lidl tuna (BYOF (“Bring” “Your” “Own” “Fork”))

MAIN TEA DINNER:

A choice of either:

Lidl fake Pot Noodle with lukewarm, scum-topped water (sauce optional)

or

Lidl chorizo (with extra pig toenails)

PRE-PUDDING PREPARATION:

BEANS

PUDDING:

Ice cream (I get more than you though, I’m bigger)

If you think this would do anything other than win the fine contest of Come Dine With Me then you are clearly an idiot in denial, who probably has BO or something. Also, if you think this is a hilarious list of foodstuffs then fuck you, this is what I eat. Genuinely. On a regular basis.

Today’s entry was brought to you by: eating bad food for years solid; being up since 6.30am; not being able to actually write about what I want to for legal reasons; not being able to write about the second thing I want to as I’m too tired to form a cogent argument.

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