It seems as of yesterday afternoon it officially became summer around here.
See, Bournemouth has this crafty way of making you forget it’s actually really nice in the middle of the year. It’s often sunny – a lot more so than in my previous homes of the north, annoyingly – and parts that aren’t Boscombe or most of the centre are actually (whisper it) nice.
But that matters for little, because it’s sunny. And what does sunny mean? It means I want to drink delicious chilled beers. But I am poor, as I may have pointed out to one or two of you four billion times and you have my apologies if the fact I can’t live a normal life thanks to a lack of monetary support somehow annoys you but FUCK OFF. Ahem.
Anyway, to counter this I have decided to offer some services in exchange for different amounts of beer. Feel free to take me up on them.
For one (1) bottle of beer (of my choice), I will write a nice letter to you telling you how great you and how everyone thinks you’re super-rad, even if it’s all a massive lie (which it will be).
For two (2) bottles of beer (of my choice), I will send you a code for guest access to Diablo 3, allowing you to play the game up to the point you take on the Skeleton King. Also, as a bonus, the code has already been used.
For six (6) bottles of beer (of my choice), I will read over your CV for you and laugh at all the stupid mistakes and idiotic shit you’ve put in it.
For one (1) crate of beer (of my choice), I will send you a flirty message to your OKCupid account, which will make you feel better about yourself and less like you’re a pathetic ball of snot that nobody in their right mind would ever even consider going near, nevermind actually want to go out with you horrible, terrible piece of shit why don’t you just die. Yeah, it’ll make you not feel like that.
For two (2) crates of beer (of my choice), I will do you a really good drawing of a bear. And by ‘good’ I mean ‘good by my standards’ and if you judge said standards to be poor then you are a wrong idiot.
I am open to other suggestions, too. My choices of beer will likely be of the BrewDog variety, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Sam Adams Boston Lager and maybe some others I can’t think of right now. Not Carling.