Tag Archives: bit drunk


Just got back from a big gay club full of the gays. Managed to avoid catching the gay – it’s because I wash my hands in the toilet, obviously – and I’m now here to report on how I haven’t immediately died of Massive Gay To The Head.

See, even though I grew up in a small town where the gays were routinely shot on sight, I still managed to spend my 18th birthday in a gay bar. The only gay bar in Rotherham, as far as I remember. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I got with my girlfriend (not a gay in drag, miraculously) on that day/night/gay and fun was had by all. Plus, if I remember correctly, I stopped a big gay fight from breaking out. It was Rotherham, after all.

There’s no point to this, I’m a bit drunk and really should be asleep by now. I’m just upping the word count now. Safe to say, I like gay clubs and pubs. In ‘normal’ places you’re confronted with barely-developed apes who want to punch your face off for being alive. In the gay places you’re confronted with barely-developed apes who want to bum you. While you can turn the latter down, should you want to, you can’t turn the former down. As such, as long as you’re not on a mission to make all the ladies love you* you can have more fun in the gay haunts.

And there we go.

*As I clearly am EVERY NIGHT OF MY LIFE. Sigh.

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Sandwiches, or something.

What’s the greatest sandwich you’ve ever had? Is it ham? Beef? Cheese? A combination of other things all put together into one pile of nonsense? It could be, I don’t know. Maybe your favourite sandwich involves hammers and beans. That would make you a bit squiffy, truth be told, but at least if you admitted to it there wouldn’t be much weirder you could go.

But maybe your favourite idea of a sandwich is one with pastrami, mustard, cheese and something else you love. Maybe it’s a case of the best things that could possibly go in a sandwich combined with the best things you never thought could go in a sandwich (but could). Maybe it’s just that damn good.

Basically I want you to picture, or taste that ‘wich. I want you to imagine you’re feeling its flavour all over your mindtank. Then I want you to think of bread and butter.

Bread and butter is clearly the best thing ever made, even if you have olive spread instead of butter like some loser might (hello!). It tastes of very little, it’s of no nutritional value beyond being bread and making you eat it and… well, it doesn’t do much for the street cred of “the kids”. So there’s clearly no viable point in bread and butter.

Fuck viable though, I love it.

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