Tag Archives: borderlands

It’s not the game rage podcast

So the mental fatty the other day had some comedy game-rage, but frankly it doesn’t compare to my ridiculous, childish outbursts over the years. As I mentioned before, I still have these from time to time. Well, I say ‘from time to time’, I mean ‘every time I play a game’ which – let’s be honest – is quite often. It’s a big part of my job, after all. They have actually mellowed with age, as it was during my wonderful teenage years that I managed to go the most mental at games for cheating/breaking/being shit/making me lose.

Now it boils down to an exclamation of “oh for fu…” in a high-pitched, incredulous voice, and sometimes a petulant turn-off of the machine or TV. Sometimes possibly a pathetic-sounding rant as I am hunted down by ridiculously overpowered enemies on Borderlands. Oh, and most of FIFA will get some kind of reaction out of me, as only the good football games can get. Though, let’s be honest here, the latest couple of editions have lost some of the spunk of FIFA 09. Ah well.

But what about through the past? It’s a minor miracle that I’ve only managed to break one pad myself, and that was through a long-term campaign of abuse, rather than one particular bout of explosive game-rage. The same can’t be said for another pad, however, which my chum Chris decided to batter into submission when I beat him (again) at Pro Evo. Ah, not just me. But there have been other things, like smashing discs – it’s premeditated, which makes it even stupider – and during a particularly heated session of Wrestlemania 2K on the N64, there may well have been certain… biting… of the cartridge. Look, that game fucking cheated, alright? Though this doesn’t explain the bite-marks on most of my PSOne pads. Hmm. I’ve never been pushed to physical violence against anything living as a result of any of this fury, I should point out, and I never will be. Just in case you were thinking games make people murderers and all that.

These are the kind of things that people will laugh at me and judge me for, but I guarantee you – and this is backed up with mega-science – that if I find you a game that you like to play, and you play it enough, you will lose your temper with it. It always happens, to everyone. There is always a point where you will feel hard done by, where you think the game can’t possibly be working right or where you think the program has intentionally gone out of its way to screw you over. And at that point, you will become as nonsensical, rage-filled and utterly furious as I get. And I will be vindicated.


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Repetition and avarice

A quick bash on Borderlands starting at around 9pm last night – an hour or so, before Match of the Day and a bit of progress for my Brick character. Or so I thought. The addition of two chums (and a few interchangeable randoms) and you have the recipe for roughly seven hours of play. Seven hours. And this is exactly why Borderlands is pretty much better than you.

It’s absolutely compulsive stuff in single-player, of that there’s no doubt. But it doesn’t really smack of any kind of genius; it’s just a well-made title that appeals to the hoarding part of the brain, for those who actually have that part of the brain. Obviously. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s almost boring – annoying, even – when you play Borderlands alone. Hours of running backwards as endless streams of irritating, snappy enemies run straight at you. It’s not so much fun as it is outright addictive.

But then you throw in a couple of mates, and you end up playing the bloody thing for about seven hours, forgetting to eat, drink, visit the toilet or talk to yo’ woman (SORRY ANNA). What changes? Well it actually adds enemies the more players you have working together, so surely that should just make it more annoying? Well, yes, on paper. But then, on paper Borderlands should be a bag of shit anyway – a game where all you do is run about killing roughly three types of enemy for dozens of hours, picking up thousands of pointless items. But just like Communism, what’s on paper doesn’t necessarily translate to the real (virtual) world. More people = more fun. You can actually use character classes as they’re meant to be used, work together as a team and – probably best of all – spend ten minutes standing in a circle throwing weapons onto the ground in the middle for the group to peruse. Sod your MMOGs, your MAGs and your OTHER UPPER CASE ACRONYMS: Borderlands, four (or three) people and a bit (lot) of spare time is all you need.

Oh, plus it helps when Rich is a big flaming prat who kills everyone for you. Makes things less irritating, at least.

Problem is, now I’ve got to remember to avoid a “quick bash” on Borderlands today, as I have work to be getting on with. Stupid time, gets in the way of everything.

(Today’s entry brought to you by: not saying everything you want to say about a game; the need to get some work done dominating your mind; really wanting a cup of tea; tiredness; hunger; AVARICE)

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I’ve got piles

Sitting, as I tend to do a lot, makes you stare around your room. In my room I have a couple of piles of games, and a shocking amount of them have never so much as been in their intended console – for more than a couple of minutes, at least. This is a common problem, that much I know from even the most perfunctory check of blogs, forums and asking-of-friends. But why is it?

I mean, you fork out however much for a game – let’s say £30, as no one pays full price – and you’re excited to play it. You want to play it, otherwise you wouldn’t have bloody well bought it in the first place, right? Let’s use Resident Evil 5 as an example here. I bought it from a forum about a month after its release last year: I’m a massive fan of the series and have played all of the main games to completion (bar Zero, but shut up – don’t you fucking judge me), so it made sense to buy it.

I started playing it last weekend.

What this means is I bought it, had it sit in its case for nigh-on a year, moved it around my bedroom a bit, moved it half the length of the country from Manchester to Bournemouth and still didn’t play it for another five months. What is the point in that? Honestly, it’s ridiculous.

But the examples don’t end there: Mirror’s Edge, Saints Row 2, Motorstorm Pacific Rift, Tomb Raider Underworld (bought mainly for Anna to play, but still – she can’t be expected to make any progress as she’s a rubbish girl. It’s still up to me to finish it), Condemned 2, Ace Combat 6 and a few others. Why don’t I play them? What’s my excuse?

Well, my excuse is two-fold. One, Football Manager. It’s on right now, in the background, waiting for me to return and slap the spacebar to make the glorified spreadsheet advance a day so I can see if Juventus will follow up their interest in loaning out my unhappy midfielder Dinijar Bilyaletdinov for the season. That game has taken hundreds, nay – thousands of hours of my time over the last 17 years. It’s just an easy go-to solution. Why bother adapting to something new when you can go with the tried, tested, ridiculously addictive known quantity?

Twocondly, games like FIFA, Smackdown, Borderlands and GTA. These are all things that can be dipped into for a short amount of time, but can last for dozens or hundreds of hours in total. Again they fit in with the thinking above – why bother with unfamiliar when I can try and get a bigger rocket launcher while roaming Pandora?

This is the point where I should challenge myself to play through these untouched games – to get my money’s worth and stop whining about something so inconsequential. Instead though, I’ll just sit here playing FM2010 until about 1am, then go to bed. After all, I need to try and retain my Premiership title.


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