Tag Archives: BROKE

My bank is trolling me

My bank loves me, it seems. See, they love rich people because of that whole ‘loads of money’ thing and how… well, I don’t know. Whatever it is they do with their money. It’s never been that clear to me why they love rich people so much.

Probably something to do with all the fancy hats they can afford.

Anyway, banks then hate people like you, because you are normal, have a bit of money (but not loads) and don’t piss about with them in any real way. I am not one of you people. Nor am I one of the rich ones.

No, I belong to a select group that teeters on the brink – never quite absolutely broke, but always having to take advantage of credit facilities and overdrafts. I’m the kind of person kept in a perpetual state of debt that I have to pay for the privilege of having, which contributes to me staying in said debt. In perpetuity.

As I’ve said before, it’s entirely my fault so I’m not whining right now.

But it’s fun – in a hilarious, cynical way – how nice the bank is to me as a result of both a) not really having any money and b) not really causing them any problems as a result. I’m a good little prole to them, always paying minimum amounts, overdraft charges and whatever else they lob my way and never threatening to earn or save enough money to drag myself out of this.

Which is why the bank just sent me a letter this week offering to increase my overdraft limit by 50%, to £3,000. Because they have a sick sense of humour at banks and think ‘well, if we can already fleece him, why don’t we try and fleece him a bit more?’

Fortunately I’d have to ring them up to arrange this, and that’s not going to happen because I hate using the phone. Oh, also I’m thick and bad with money, but I’m not that thick or bad with money. Shove it up your arse, HSBC – you’ve got enough of my debt thanks.

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Constant money knowledge: constantly annoying

I’m never sure if being able to check my bank balance pretty much wherever I am, with the figures usually (almost, but not quite) up to date, is a good thing or not.

Obviously it’s terrible that I have the access, because if I didn’t have the access then I wouldn’t have online banking, and if I didn’t have online banking I wouldn’t have these perceived security threats the banks and newspapers keep telling me about. Without those threats I wouldn’t have to have my bank take precautionary measures on my behalf, and without them having to take these measures I wouldn’t have to have that bloody godawful secure key thing.

So obviously it’s terrible. But that’s not the point I was getting at.

No, I don’t know if it’s good or not knowing up to date details as it makes things go one of two ways. On one hand, knowing how little I have left reminds me to not spend as much, to pay attention to what I have and to economise wherever possible. These are all good, necessary things and that’s all well good and shit, like.

On the other hand, it’s bad. Why? Well, knowing precisely how much I have at any given time means that I know exactly how much I can get away with spending at any one time. Rather than seeing I have £some for the rest of the month and deciding to hold on to as much as possible, I have been known to work out how much of that £some I can get away with spending before the figure reads £notsome.

Double edged sword, and all that. I just wish they’d abandon money, which is why I’m glad those heroic anti-capitalist warriors are taking to the streets and destroying the world of commerce as we know it*.

*Not entirely serious, in case you needed to be told this you humourless fuckwit.

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