Right, starting next week I’m going to budget properly. Or something. Like an adult. I’m two months shy of my 28th birthday and I still have all the financial awareness of a whelk that’s particularly poor with its cash. Debts are annoying and not getting smaller, but as it’s my own fault I should make an official list on weekly/monthly expenses. Let’s see…
Underpants: £23 per month
Beef: £45 per week
More underpants: £13 per month
Bus pass: £nothing, I walk bitches
Bus pass: £52 per month, I changed my mind
Yet more underpants: £34 per week
Essentials (Haribo, rum etc): £400 per month
Rent, bills etc: £can’t be arsed paying them anymore
Amount I’m not taking this seriously: £lots
With this plan, I will be able to save about £2.34 a week. In just a matter of one or two months I will have enough to pay off all of my monumental debts. Don’t doubt me on this – I got a B at GCSE maths.
Then again, I might just not bother and live just above the bread line for the rest of my life. My own doing it be, my own complaining it be – I just needed something quick to write about and this is what was on my mind.
I have no money. I complain about this a lot. I get things cheap a lot of the time, and I go out of my way to scam the cheapest deals I can for things. It’s perfectly natural, as well as a little bit exciting – the thrill of the hunt and all that. But there are some things where I see them, I see they’re a genuinely bargainous offer and I think “oh dear fucking god how or why would anyone in their right mind go for something as utterly awful as this?”
Premier Inn is offering a deal for couples to get married – a package deal involving clothing (and nightwear!), food, accommodation, food, drink and lots of other things. For £199. Wow, what a great deal, seeing as weddings normally cost thousands of pounds. But how much is self-respect?
I’m not saying you should go out of your way to pay as much money as you possibly can on what is essentially one big party where everyone tells the girl how great they are and the man just gets pissed and feels confused and overwhelmed for a day or two. What I am saying is that if you are willing to pay £199 on a package wedding deal where you are hosted at a Premier Inn in Barnsley, then you might want to re-think your priorities. It’s one thing having a shotgun wedding in Vegas or being as frugal as possible with arrangements. It’s an altogether different thing to opt for the cheapest and easiest way of doing things.
There are creative ways around cost, if that’s the real issue. Scale things back, host it at a friend or family’s house, do things on the cheap or cut them out altogether or whatever else. Surprisingly it should be a special day, whether you want it indoors, outdoors, religious, better (“non religious”), upside down, domestic, foreign or even if you bother having a ceremony at all. There are options, and the option you choose to get married should not be a fucking package deal from fucking Premier Inn.
Unless Lenny Henry conducts the service, of course.