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Things to do before the big three-oh

Much as you lovely ladies out there don’t want to accept it, I am in fact getting on in life. In three-and-a-half years I will be 30, and with it I will finally become a Full Adult. I will be able to grow a beard, avoid bubble gum, stop finding pictures of penises funny, cease to play video games and wear more leather jackets with tweed elbow pads.

Before my worthwhile time on this earth is up, however, I would like to accomplish some things. As such I have devised a list which I intend to complete every step of before I reach the astonishingly ancient age of 30. Read on, and hopefully help me out with what I think will be the biggest Challenge Ianeka we have ever seen:

1. Write something funny for radio/television/whatever wider audience there is.

2. Get myself out of debt, at least in part.

3. Eat enough beans for a random passer-by to exclaim “that’s a lot of beans!”

4.Through a bean-based diet, lose some weight.

5. Following bean-exclamation and subsequent bean-diet, get as buff as Buff Bagwell (the clue’s in his name, amazingly).

6. Give up all hope of writing for telly, instead opt to reform Sharkey and George, crime-busters of the sea. On stage.

7. See the Queen naked.

8. See Queen naked.

9. Play Mass Effect 2 45 times.

10. Re-write this list with more beans-based steps.

I genuinely hope you can find it in your hearts to help me out in my ceaseless endeavours. With your support and my strength of will, incredible character, astounding charm, fabulous good looks, rapist wit, mind-blowing sexiness, quite big height and life-changing haircut, we can make this list of tomorrow’s hope become a list of today’s success.

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