Tag Archives: captain

Do you not know who I think I am?

I’ve just had some shopping delivered by Sainsbury’s (it’s alright, I had a voucher), and it reminded me of something. See, I allowed Anna to handle most of the ‘deciding what to put in the CYBER-TROLLEY’ stuff, so I didn’t have to bother. Also I would just get £50 worth of noodles. But in doing so she evidently decided, without me noticing, that for this particular delivery I would be Captain Dransfield. Hence when the pleasant delivery chap arrived, he kept addressing me as “Captain”.

This made me laugh.

But it’s not the first time it’s happened, and I hope I’m not alone in this, otherwise we may have discovered some bizarre proto-fetish I have and didn’t formerly know about. Aside from the obvious “King”, “Sir” and “Queen” titles I’ve had on post, packages and other such deliveries, I have had one wonderful experience in the Leeds branch of Specsavers.

My friend Kat worked there at the time and so, when I went in to get some new specs, she filled out my personal details. In it she decided I would be Viscount Dransfield. I laughed, then immediately forgot about this. Half an hour later when it was my appointment time, the waiting room was addressed by a slightly confused-looking employee of the shop (who wasn’t Kat), asking for “Viscount… Dransfield?”

I stood and strode confidently toward her, knowing full well everyone in there was probably stupid enough to think I actually was some form of special person. Special in the good way, that is. Later on I overheard another employee discussing with her colleagues how the shop had “royalty” in that day, and how everyone should be on their best behaviour.

I laughed. Kat laughed. But Specsavers had the last laugh. £300 for a pair of fucking glasses? Do you not know who I am?


Filed under Prattle

The blog in which I compare myself to The Simpsons

I had a bit of a Simpsons moment (lasting an hour or two) earlier today. I’ve not actually seen more than a handful of the newer episodes of the show over the last few years, so I thought I should do a bit of catching up. I completely forgot they had done a new intro, for one. It’s not that I’m of the belief, like so many others, that The Simpsons is shit these days and was only ever good from seasons 3-7 or whatever – no, I just don’t have access to the correct TV channels*.

After watching a few from, I think, series 21 it’s easy to see why people are complaining. Storylines that captivate as little as they innovate, reliance on bizarre non-sequiturs (which make me think of *shudder* Family Guy) and a general feel that it’s all a bit lazy. These were some of the thoughts and feelings that overcame me while watching.

But you know what? The Simpsons, even in its current not-so-great form, is better than 90 per cent of the other things I’ve seen on TV in recent years. Even when that show is bad (the episode where Lisa is president, anyone?) it still shits on most other telly from a vast, vast height. Plus it’s easy to see why it’s gone the way it has – I’m not saying it’s particularly defensible that they have indeed got lazier as time has progressed, but for a totally unwarranted comparison look at this blog. I’m less than halfway through and already it’s become a rest home for the weak, weary, lazy side of me that can’t be bothered formulating long, interesting posts. Over 20+ years I can see why something might start to stumble over itself.

Yes, that’s right – I just compared myself to The Simpsons. Anyone who thinks I don’t have an ego has just been proven (arrogantly) wrong.

Where was I? Ah yes. The Simpsons is still brilliant, as the poorer twilight years of its career can’t tarnish the fact that it was – at one point – the greatest thing in popular culture. See: “MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!” “Purple is a fruit.” “Money can be exchanged for goods and services.” “Yes Lisa, daddy’s a teacher!” “Yarr… I don’t know what I’m doing…” and many, many, ohsomany more.

I’m going to watch some more, anyway. Ta ta.

*Also I never considered until today that I could stream them in a less-than-legal fashion. I am a doofus.


Filed under Prattle