As if things couldn’t get any worse (they could), they have (predictably). Something terrible has happened to me and it is stopping me from enjoying one of the few pleasures I still have (clementines) and is making everything I eat all weird, like. I speak, of course, of pine mouth.
While I could so easily be describing my own gob, such is the pining nonsense that has been spewing out of it for the last month or so. But that’s not the case. Nor is that as hilarious as I wanted it to be. No, this is a result of my new Fitness Quest IX, in which I am not just exercising, but am actually eating right too. Part of this ‘eating right’ thing includes nuts, seeds and dried fruits.
Pine nuts. I ate some. Part of a pack of other things. Didn’t think much of it. Would go so far as to say I like them. But something had gone wrong. Something was different. I didn’t even notice at the time. I just kept on eating. Dipping in and out. Small handful, eat. Small handful, eat. After three days, they were gone. If I’d have known what was next, I would never have touched them.
Because now, see, everything I eat and drink tastes really fucking bitter. Par for the course, what with me being The Bitterest Person Alive, true, but still – come on. This isn’t Aesop’s fucking Fables or anything, I don’t need to learn my lesson like this.
Anyway, I checked with my doctor (a fine person called Dr. Google) and they informed me this shit happens when you eat pine nuts sometimes. Oxidising, spoiled, Chinese, stuff like that all leads to things tasting bitter for a few days to a couple of weeks. Don’t weep for me, for I should well be fine in not too long. For now though, I can’t enjoy clementines – and I have to eat them, otherwise they’ll go off.
Well, it’s either pine mouth or I’m having a really long-winded stroke. Either way, it’s a bit shit.