Tag Archives: climate change

2012’s first hay fever dedication

It’s the time of year where, as regular viewers will know, I start to complain about hay fever. But apart from a sneezing fit the other day – which I think was mainly down to Ian Chaddock getting too close to my face with his stupid illness and infecting me – I haven’t had many symptoms yet.

This is worrying in my naturally cynical mind, because I always jump straight to the Worst Possible Situation. It’s clearly because I’m going to have an attack of hay fever (note: I’ve started writing it not as a single word, as that’s what you’re supposed to do and I’m not above learning) so much worst than anything I’ve ever had before, it’s just saving up the itchy, runny fury for later.

But then my rational brain kicks into gear and sorts things out into nice, simple, logical piles for me. Or logical pies. I haven’t decided which yet. And you know what logical mince pies tell me?

Climate change.

Climate change has made all the world go ‘fucked up’, as the scientists put it, making spring go wacky and winter not bother. It’s made plants flower all wrong and stuff and birds get confused (always hilarious). It’s also killed hay fever.

It has to be the way. CFCs and fossil fuels have contributed to a changing situation in the ecosphere of the world and, as a result, have inadvertently lead to the destruction of the bane of my summertime life: hay fever. As such, climate change is possibly the best thing that has ever happened and the best thing that will ever destroy the world as we know it.

Well, either that or I just don’t get it so bad living on the coast as I do, what with there being less pollen and all.

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What’s with the weather? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT

Looks like we’re going to have to redo the seasons then, seeing as Weather has decided it’s not going to play by the rules anymore. Rather than being annoyed, like a lot of people seem to be, I have nothing but respect for Weather’s blatant disregard for societal norms and what would be considered ‘acceptable’ behaviour.

After all, Weather had got itself into a rut over the last however many centuries we’ve been paying attention to it. Never mind us getting used to it – taking it for granted – Weather itself must have been bored of the routine. When you’ve got fat, bespectacled, nerdy men on TV easily and correctly predicted what you’re going to do tomorrow.. it’s embarrassing, frankly.

Fortunately Weather has more credibility than that and has decided to fuck with the heads of those that expect the most from it. It took a while to pluck up the courage, true, but I like to think maybe Weather was just using its off time – you know, when it’s overcast (so most of the time in the UK, ho ho) –to make some in-depth and cunning plans.

And now those plans are coming to fruition. We expect Weather to be nice and not kill us all, but instead Weather decided to just go against that whole thing and blow people through walls and stuff (note: I’m not sure if that actually happened, but hey).

Then it decided that the end of September, when it’s autumnal and approaching the winter (WINTER IS COMING HA HA HA I LIKE REDDIT) that it would actually pull the greatest swerve of all time and provide us with the summer it completely ‘forgot’ to give us at the normal time in the year.

Either that or we’re all going to die of Instant Onset Climate Change.

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ENOUGH IS ENOUGH: it’s time to change the world

Alright, my mind is changed. Well, not changed. That other thing. Made up? No, it was made up before. My mind is… decided upon the same thing it was decided upon before? Yeah, that sounds about right, though it doesn’t exactly slip off the tongue. “But what is it that your mind is decided upon that is the same as what it had decided upon before, Ian?” I hear you scream like the irritants you all are – I will answer.

It is, of course, climate change. See, I can safely say I was dead against it. Just like killing dogs, deforestation, being impolite, littering, war, cot death, cancer and lots of other things, I am dead against climate change. I think it’s a shit, and I think we all need to use hemp-powered gyrocopters or something in order to try and at least slow this planet’s inevitable decline that it is so clearly on a path to right now.

I cared about this and I still do care about this, but an article I’ve just read means I’m going to have to double my efforts. We will lose a lot if we continue in the way we are currently going – polar bears, trees, a fucking inhabitable planet – lots of things. But worst of all, we might lose our ability to produce as much speciality coffee, thus making said speciality coffee more expensive than it already is.

There are some things I can put up with, even pretend to accept. I have allowed injustices to go on under my nose through apathy, exhaustion or even cowardice. But this? This I will not stand for. You may take our polar bears, but you cannot take our affordable coffee from rural South American regions.

The fightback begins today. Join me in my quest to single-handedly eliminate climate change, and we can have a coffee to celebrate when we’re done. Hopefully.

[Here’s the story I was on about, if you care]

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