This topic has actually been sitting in the ‘draft’ section of my WordPress account since around May – an idle idea waiting for something to turn it into a few paragraphs and a few attempts at making you laugh. Lo and behold. some things happened recently that have had me thinking about how to increase blog traffic, so it seems now is about the right time to get cracking with this list.
We all know writing blogs is piss easy, especially when you do it once a day. I could do this shit in my sleep, I’ve never missed any and every single word I write feels like God Himself just kissed you lightly on the brain when you read it. Essentially, I’m perfect. But you lot aren’t. You lot need help. You lot need the power of a list, specificially designed to help you get masses of traffic to your blog or website, just like I do.
1. Write lists. Nothing says “I am a good writer” more than a list of things, usually about how you’re a good writer. Some people decry them as an easy way to fill up space with a number of items (preferably ten) that have little relation to each other. I say: who fucking made you Mayor of Twatsville, twat? Yeeeeah.
2. State opinions, claim them as fact. It’s a simple fact that opinions are the most annoying things in the world, as well as being the most respected. Hence, they are the most important things in the world. Fact.
3. Write another list about opinions (which are facts).
4. Include more sex, especially if it is sexy sex things like opinion (fact) based lists, followed up by further opinion-fact-based lists.
5. Claim all liberals are “loony” and say things about guns being well ace, like.
6. Claim all right-wingers are “Nazis” and say things about guns being well ace, like (because guns are well ace).
7. More nudie ladies.
8. Ian Chaddock.
9. State opinions (which are facts) based around the popular sport of “football”, insulting well-known commentators like Clive Tyldesley or Peter Drury. Also include lists and nudie ladies.
10. Write some of the least-funny, most middle-of-the-road nonsense this side of The Times’ business section. People like the middle, apparently.
Seriously – take this advice to heart and you too could be enjoying the kinds of traffic I hit here. Case in point: yesterday I had more than 42 visitors! I know you want a piece of the action, so don’t hold back.
Stockholm Syndrome + Clive Tyldesley = oh god no
I’m glad this World Cup thing is going to end soon. I’m not going to go into any kind of rant here about the quality of football (or lack thereof), the terrible refereeing decisions, the blatant cheating or anything so negative. No, I’m happy it’s going to end soon as I’m coming down with Stockholm Syndrome.
I have made no bones about my disdain for commentators and pundits, whining and complaining about them a few times on here and many, many times everywhere else. But this consistent contact I’m having with this bunch of reprobates is making me… not hate them so much.
I smirked a few times just now during the BBCs post-match coverage of the second semi-final. I chuckled when Gary Lineker said “Hollish”. I even thought Alan Shearer showed a bit of character when he was talking about Pedro’s chance. I’ve clearly gone crazy. But this is nothing – nothing- compared to yesterday.
See, yesterday ITV co-commentator Jim Beglin was unable to carry out his banal chatting duties during the first semi-final. As a result of this, and as a result of ITV’s inability to provide more than one member of staff for any given role, main commentator Clive Tyldesley was left to carry out the job on his own. At any other time I would laugh at his stupid voice and fat, red face. But because of my constant exposure to all of these morons I’ve been left in such a state that I actually felt a little bit sorry for the man.
I felt sorry for Clive Tyldesley. I felt sympathy for the man. I didn’t over-analyse every comment he made in the match, and in fact went so far as to not mind some comments. I… have succumbed to Stockholm Syndrome. The worst of all the syndromes. The worst.
This is why the end of the World Cup on Sunday can’t come fast enough for me. Then I can go back to some old fashioned Dransfield hate.
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Tagged as awful, clive tyldesley, commentators, finish already damn you, jim beglin, pundits, stockholm syndrome, world cup