This topic has actually been sitting in the ‘draft’ section of my WordPress account since around May – an idle idea waiting for something to turn it into a few paragraphs and a few attempts at making you laugh. Lo and behold. some things happened recently that have had me thinking about how to increase blog traffic, so it seems now is about the right time to get cracking with this list.
We all know writing blogs is piss easy, especially when you do it once a day. I could do this shit in my sleep, I’ve never missed any and every single word I write feels like God Himself just kissed you lightly on the brain when you read it. Essentially, I’m perfect. But you lot aren’t. You lot need help. You lot need the power of a list, specificially designed to help you get masses of traffic to your blog or website, just like I do.
1. Write lists. Nothing says “I am a good writer” more than a list of things, usually about how you’re a good writer. Some people decry them as an easy way to fill up space with a number of items (preferably ten) that have little relation to each other. I say: who fucking made you Mayor of Twatsville, twat? Yeeeeah.
2. State opinions, claim them as fact. It’s a simple fact that opinions are the most annoying things in the world, as well as being the most respected. Hence, they are the most important things in the world. Fact.
3. Write another list about opinions (which are facts).
4. Include more sex, especially if it is sexy sex things like opinion (fact) based lists, followed up by further opinion-fact-based lists.
5. Claim all liberals are “loony” and say things about guns being well ace, like.
6. Claim all right-wingers are “Nazis” and say things about guns being well ace, like (because guns are well ace).
7. More nudie ladies.
8. Ian Chaddock.
9. State opinions (which are facts) based around the popular sport of “football”, insulting well-known commentators like Clive Tyldesley or Peter Drury. Also include lists and nudie ladies.
10. Write some of the least-funny, most middle-of-the-road nonsense this side of The Times’ business section. People like the middle, apparently.
Seriously – take this advice to heart and you too could be enjoying the kinds of traffic I hit here. Case in point: yesterday I had more than 42 visitors! I know you want a piece of the action, so don’t hold back.