Tag Archives: clothes


I remember, as a child, saying I never wanted a job where I had to wear a suit. I mean, I also said I wanted to be a dinosaur, that one day I would make my millions and I would never work in an office – so you can see I was full of a lot of shit.

But I never did want to wear a suit. So it comes to me being however old I am and owning Just One Suit. I own this suit as a result of the dole – I was offered an interview, I had nothing to wear for the interview, the benefits service offered me vouchers to buy suitable clothing from Burton in order to not look like as much of a scummer at my interview.

Yeah, benefits are clearly shit and serve no purpose. Idiots.

Anyway, if it wasn’t for this I would not have a suit. I have trousers, left over from when I bought some for £4 because they were £4. I have a suit jacket from Primark that cost, I believe, £12. It doesn’t match, but that didn’t stop me cobbling it together in some fashion. But it’s not a suit.

So with me not ever really having one and not ever really wanting or needing to wear one, I still find it odd that I can peruse eBay for ages looking at suits, being tempted to buy them and hovering over the bid button for ages. There is no good reason I should buy one, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting.

Suppose that’s less the suit’s fault, more the fault of my insanity.

I still want a zoot suit.

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Ian’s fashion fix, or something

I’ve never been much of a clothes person. That’s not to say I don’t wear them, like those fat old weirdos you see on TV sometimes. No, just I’ve never been a person either interested in wearing nice clothes, or capable of buying myself nice clothes. It’s an ailment, I tells ya.

But just because I buy clothes of the non-nice variety doesn’t mean I refuse to wear them – far from it. The most recent pair of trainers I bought are horrible – big fat skater shoes with what look like shiny telegraph poles on them. I look like a particularly unfashionable 14-year-old when I wear them. But I still wear them every day.

I do have standards though, so here’s one thing I know I’ll never wear:

Look at it. Just… look at it. The only people in the world who have any excuse for wearing that… thing are professional sportspeople. And even they’d struggle to explain it away to me. I know for a fact* I would look like the epitome of sex, melted down and poured into a perfectly-fitting man-body-mould if I wore it, but that makes no difference. I find it ghastly, and hope it dies. I probably hope some of the people wearing them die too, but that’s a whole other post.

But there are some things I would actively go out of my way to buy and wear. Let’s see… like this:

Seriously. I would look like a fucking king among men in one of these badboys. My birthday isn’t for another 11 months, but there is a Christmas in the way. Anna – get on it. Though all the time I’d be wearing it I would just be repeating “zoot, zoot, zoot” over and over in my head. That might not actually be a downer though.

AUDIENCE INTERACTION: Clothes wear you would, hmm? Or not!

*Not a fact.

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2005: An Ian Odyssey

Something has become very apparent over the last few days. I have been analysing myself in some ways, thinking about the past, looking over old photos, rooting through my clothes and arsing about with my stuff and I have come to the conclusion that I stopped evolving as a person in 2005. Now, this isn’t to say things in my life are the same as they were – if that were the case I’d still be living in Leeds (in many ways I wish I was), I’d be either unemployed, doing some bizarre freelance for very little money or working at CEX, I’d be single, I’d still play PES over FIFA and I wouldn’t be as grey (or fat) as I am now.

No, things like that have indeed moved on. I abandoned Leeds in 2008, I got a job in 2009, I bought a rent-a-bride from Switzerland in 2008, I moved back to FIFA in 2008 and I got a lot fatter and greyer through 2005/06/07/08/09/10. That’s all inevitable. Change – that’s real change, and not the “real change” promised by a certain shitty political party – will happen.

But there are so many things about me that have stayed exactly where they were. My clothing options, for one, have remained pretty much exactly the same since 2005, to the point that right now I am wearing a shirt I purchased from Tesco for 50p in that fateful year and some shorts I picked up around Christmas the same time. I have my Xbox 360 switched on, which was delivered to me by a man from Woolworths on December 2, 2005. I still have the kind of facial hair I decided to grow (more accurately: “not shave”) from around that time. A Wilhelm Scream are still my ‘current’ favourite band.

This isn’t an exact science, there are discrepancies and inaccuracies in my claims, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel very much like I stopped at 2005. I ceased to develop, instead remaining the man I have become, stuck in a state of arrested development for what seems like perpetuity. Just with less Will Arnett.

On one hand this could be seen as a failure on my part, becoming stuck in my ways, failing to advance or grow as a person and being so shit I haven’t actually bought any new casual shirts since five years ago. On the other hand, though, it could just be that I achieved absolute perfection in 2005, so I have subconsciously decided there is no need for me to change any more. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which it is.


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