Tag Archives: coffee

The unforgivable mistake

I’m not sure how lazy this makes me, but on returning home yesterday I arrived back to a flat in a state I simply do not experience these days. Never before in the enlightened age has it come to this, yet here I was – living proof that the times I thought I had left behind me were, in fact, not at all left behind me.

No, not the piles of rubbish all over the floor. They add to the ambience of the place. And not the tons of crap everywhere either. We’ve already established I’m a terrible hoarder and that I have more stuff than I do room.

No, this was something altogether worse. This was… I find it hard to even say it. It’s embarrassing. It’s sickening.

I was out of milk.

I’m sorry. I am.

But on returning and seeing this – this thing that hadn’t happened for years until today – I had to act quickly, decisively and simply: turn around, go back out of the house, walk to the shop, buy some milk. I did not do that.

I can make all the excuses I want: I was tired from travelling; I had just taken my shoes off; I was on the beer anyway. But none of them will ever make up for the fact that, for the last 36 hours or however long I’ve been back, I have been without milk.

Fortunately, I’m now getting the tea and coffee cravings to such a degree that I have to leave the house. If I look like a smackhead looking for his next fix, you’ll know why.


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ENOUGH IS ENOUGH: it’s time to change the world

Alright, my mind is changed. Well, not changed. That other thing. Made up? No, it was made up before. My mind is… decided upon the same thing it was decided upon before? Yeah, that sounds about right, though it doesn’t exactly slip off the tongue. “But what is it that your mind is decided upon that is the same as what it had decided upon before, Ian?” I hear you scream like the irritants you all are – I will answer.

It is, of course, climate change. See, I can safely say I was dead against it. Just like killing dogs, deforestation, being impolite, littering, war, cot death, cancer and lots of other things, I am dead against climate change. I think it’s a shit, and I think we all need to use hemp-powered gyrocopters or something in order to try and at least slow this planet’s inevitable decline that it is so clearly on a path to right now.

I cared about this and I still do care about this, but an article I’ve just read means I’m going to have to double my efforts. We will lose a lot if we continue in the way we are currently going – polar bears, trees, a fucking inhabitable planet – lots of things. But worst of all, we might lose our ability to produce as much speciality coffee, thus making said speciality coffee more expensive than it already is.

There are some things I can put up with, even pretend to accept. I have allowed injustices to go on under my nose through apathy, exhaustion or even cowardice. But this? This I will not stand for. You may take our polar bears, but you cannot take our affordable coffee from rural South American regions.

The fightback begins today. Join me in my quest to single-handedly eliminate climate change, and we can have a coffee to celebrate when we’re done. Hopefully.

[Here’s the story I was on about, if you care]

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Can’t (be bothered) cook(ing), won’t (bother) cook(ing)

I am astoundingly lazy, to the point where – when I actually think about it – I surprise myself. I mean, for the last few weeks I haven’t eaten a great deal while at home. No food in the house has been a reason for this in the past, but I do have food. No, I just can’t be bothered cooking anything. And by “cooking” I mean “making some pasta go into its edible state then dousing it in some pre-made sauce”. I even have fresh produce that’s gone… less fresh… as I just couldn’t be bothered using it up.

Have I gone mental? Can someone with some kind of degree in brainology tell me what’s wrong? I am hungry, but I’m not ‘oweeee it hurrrrts’ starving, but I just can’t be bothered. It doesn’t seem worth the effort, somehow.

Maybe I should just get a massive stock of Pot Noodle-like snack food things, as I always boil the kettle for tea and coffee so… wait – it just dawned on me. I have no milk, therefore I have no way of making tea (also I ran out of coffee so it eliminates the black option). This means I have nothing pushing me to constantly return to the kitchen, and I in fact feel like going to the kitchen would bring back too many painful memories of the fact I have no milk, thus meaning I am avoiding the kitchen because I have no milk.

And avoiding the kitchen means I will make no food. It’s so simple when you think about it out loud. Nope, definitely nothing wrong with me in my head – it’s all because of a lack of milk. SORTED.


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New coffee technology discovered(ish)

I have made the greatest discovery since the time when someone realised it is possible to make discoveries. Well, I say “discover”, I mean “something you have been able to buy in loads of shops for ages”. Also, I say “greatest”, I mean “one I like that doesn’t actually change the world in any way, shape or form. It just makes me happy”. So that’s that cleared up.

Anyway, it’s these badboys: one-use coffee filters. You balance it on the top of your mug, pour hot water in and it filters down, through some ready-placed coffee and drips into the mug. One use, instant (almost) and you just bin the filter when you’re done with it. Basically, it’s on a par with magic. Near-instant proper coffee with the minimum of mess is my Mecca, so it’s nice to be one step closer on my pilgrimage to poorly thought out metaphors.

I discovered these on a random jaunt to Norfolk (which I may have covered here), nestled between the usual shit you get in a B&B room. I stole them, though it’s not really stealing as they’re there to be used by you, and gave one to myself and one to my coffee-drinking work colleague. We both agreed they are fucking brilliant. Therefore they have passed the quality test.

You could argue that they’re wasteful, as the amount of packaging you discard for each individual coffee is almost the same size as a cup of coffee. And you could argue that they don’t offer value for money, that you may as well stick to traditional filter coffee methods and that I’m just getting caught up in the euphoria that comes with finding something new. Also the same euphoria that comes with a caffeine high.

In fact, you probably should argue all that, as it’s all true. But your arguments and thought-out points based on logic and straightforward thinking can never get beyond the fact that I have a new toy related to coffee to play with, and I like it a lot. Being blinded by novelty is always a good thing, right?


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Drinking coffee makes you cool

Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee. I love coffee, it’s delicious and nourishing, plus it makes you look cool if you drink it. Or something. This is my theory at least. But it goes beyond that – coffee is a necessary part of my day, as well as being a delicious treat for the whole family.

One thing I was wondering though – is there a ‘classy’ version of instant coffee? I have access to a couple of ways of making proper coffee, but who can be arsed making it like that all the time? Not me, that’s who. Instead, I like to put a spoonful of instant in a mug with some hot water, two sugars and milk then drink that badboy up (after it’s cooled a bit). Coffee is wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful stuff. I love coffee.

None of this is to say I don’t like tea, or that I’m disrespecting that wonderful drink in any way at all. It’s impossible to ignore such a British institution and I am as much of a lover of tea as anyone – probably more so in fact, just because I’m brilliant when it comes to making and consuming hot drinks (well, just tea and coffee). It’s just that tea doesn’t have as many varieties to me as coffee does*, making coffee the much more fun experience. Or something.

Having said all this, I don’t think I’m going to sign off with an “I’m going to have a coffee now!” as it’s past nine and it might keep me up. I need all the sleep in the world, otherwise I’ll be a big grump. Though I do really want one…

*I’m aware of the idiocy of this statement, especially as I have no less than four different kinds of tea in my cupboard right now, compared to just two types of coffee.

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Challenge Ianeka

I often think I should be challenged to do things. I’m not a competitive person by nature, and in fact I get a bit pissed off with people who are. Plus I’m not the type to give in to the whole notion of challenging yourself to something daft, or life-changing. Too lazy for that nonsense. Climb a mountain? Fuck off.

Which is why, inspired by one of the greatest TV shows of all time – Futurama – I’m putting it out there. Challenge me to something I both can and will do. I thought long and hard about it, I thought about the things I could be bothered to do, the things I could drag myself out of bed to do and the things that I really should do to make myself a better person. Then I just settled on drinking as much coffee as possible, because Fry did it and I aim to be like him at some point in my life*.

Unless one of my literally less than 50 readers comes up with a better challenge, that is. In which case I’ll just pretend to do that one instead.

Did I say “pretend to do”? I mean definitely do. Obviously. You have the power. Use it wisely.

(Cue rush of zero comments…)

*I realise I both already am like him and that he is a cartoon character. The point stands.


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