Tag Archives: comedy

My comedy shows (please don’t steal)

There have been vague discussions* today with my best friend** about writing a comedy show of some sort – perhaps a sitcom, maybe just a direct rip-off of Jake and Amir, but something that would be so hilarious your brain would just up and leave.

Sort of like how Homer’s does on the Simpsons. I might write that joke in and claim it as my own. Nobody watches the Simpsons, right?

Anyway, as a creative exercise – as well as a power play that shows you all who is King Of Laughing Making (it’s not a good title, I admit) – I’m going to provide you with a handful of ideas for sitcoms or other such comedy shows that you might well see myself and my bessie bud making in the next week or so.

Maybe two weeks, if it’s a long-term thing.

Glazed Ham
One of the Man Utd-owning Glazer family (undecided as to which), through unfortunate personal circumstances, has to move in with a struggling actor in a flat above a butcher’s shop. The flatmate’s acting is hammy. At some point, a meal of gammon is consumed, with one character remarking “my word, this is salty!” (possible catchphrase).

Thinking in the Friends mould, this would be a British version – a good British version, of course. It would reflect actual friendships in real life in that nobody actually likes each other and flatmates bitch at one another because of a fork left out next to the sink and a missing potato waffle. The first series will end with a horrific car accident in which one of the main characters is left a vegetable, and the remaining, cogent Mates have to make the decision as to whether it is right to keep the fallen Mate alive – is it really living, like this? Or is it the more merciful act to just pull the plug and walk away, safe in the knowledge your memory of the friend will be happy and free of suffering? And then, like, one of them will fart or something. I don’t know.

Hilarity, Inc.
An ensemble piece, possible vehicle for Russ Abbot, Hale (NOT Pace) and one of those famous fat blokes – I forget which. It would follow the exploits of the lead characters as they try to battle through reams and reams of bureaucratic red tape while trying to set up their own business. Said business will deal in selling factory reject power tools. Business will be run honestly and fairly, should it ever get set up – I see a lot of traction in red tape-based comedy, after all!

Donkey Racers
Self-explanatory. Donkeys race, people bet large sums on it, losers get the biggest laughs. If I have to say anymore I’d just be insulting your intelligence.

Don’t-Look-a, Feel-appy
Based around Gianluca Vialli (it’s a hilarious play on his name, the title), this would be a Candid Camera-style show where members of the public try to avoid the gaze of the Italian footballing legend. Should they manage to do so, only half of the game is complete – they then have to remain genuinely happy while knowing full well Gianluca Vialli is staring at them. I predict 0 winners for at least 12 series of it.

Deaf Leopard
A one-armed drummer (victim of a big cat attack) strikes up an unlikely friendship with a sentient, though hearing-impaired, Macintosh operating system. They go on adventures; mirth follows.

After he is twatted around his twatty head for being a twat, the twat who does whatever he apparently does for that pop group suffers amnesia. The show follows his hilarious encounters with people he’s forgotten from his old life, and his ongoing, burgeoning relationship with a scallop-seller from the Denford Ash area.

*It was mentioned, once, and immediately forgotten about.

**In the whole world.

*** In the wholest entirest world.

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A demonstration of my comedy excellence

It can be quite difficult coming up with hilarious comedy all the time. I know I make it look damn easy, but believe me – it’s not. It’s hard god damn work being this good. And consistent. We all know everything I write is hilarious.

As it is such a pain at times, I want to help everyone else in the world out by providing them with a few free-to-use punchlines they can do with as they please.

Well, as long as they’re not used in race-hate jokes or anything like that. Paedophilia jokes are fine, mind. They should fit most kinds of comedy and most situations, though, as I want to keep them unspecific and open for most anyone to use.

“But the problem with a loaf that size is it can’t be baked in a traditional oven!”

“Frankly, the sheer number of variables make it so this experiment just isn’t viable in the short term, but maybe if we could secure more funding it would be doable!”

“We’re sorry, your application to be King Of The World has been rejected!”

“It turned out wearing green trainers in the state of Wyoming wasn’t allowed on a Sunday, at least not in that particular building I was in at the time on that day at that time on that day!”

“The problem there being my name was Carlos and hers was Marina – and we all know what that means!”


I know it’s hard to believe just how malleable yet still hilarious I’ve managed to make these punchlines, but that’s because I’m amazing.

If you have any to add, please don’t – you’re just not as good at this as I am. I’m surprised I can even write this sentence through all the tears streaming from my face (the tears are from laughter, not because it makes me sad how brilliant I am).


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I do like some TV, like this

I have sang its praises before, but it bears repeating: It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia is a wonderful thing that we should thank the Lord for on a daily basis.

Oh wait, not the Lord. I don’t believe in God, or gods. Well, maybe Thor. And a bit of Odin. And Blessed. And Attenborough. But not your Judeo-Christian God. The one commonly referred to as ‘Lord’. I got a bit confused there as I was thinking about the preacher man from Friday and how he was mad as a box of hornets.

Which brings me nicely back to Sunny. I don’t have much to add beyond: it’s great, as I am tired, I am lacking in motivation right now and I don’t want to just resort to listing a ton of my favourite bits. Safe to say I watched a couple of series while travelling up and down the country (also: to the Netherlands) over the last couple of weeks and it has reminded me.

Reminded me how great it is. Job cannon. Jobbies. Here, watch some of it:

The way he says “onesize fitsall” makes me laugh every single time. And this is the best scene of pretty much anything:

Fox is militant about its content, hence it being recorded off-screen from a TV. Ah, internet copyright laws. Bye.

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Comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy

As my loyal fans will surely have seen me bleating about today, I finished Alexei Sayle’s memoir. I am not a huge fan of the man – though that’s not to say I dislike him in any way; he was just one that generally passed me by.

Apart from Lenin Of The Rovers, of course, and his appearances in The Young Ones.

But he is an interesting man – I knew he was raised a communist and was always a stand-out voice for being so bleatingly, delightfully left wing. So I read the book. And I liked it quite a lot. Very warm, very funny, very much a man willing to laugh at himself for being such a twat growing up. But there was very little mention of comedy – the main reason I picked the book up.

It didn’t harm the overall read in any way, as it more than stands on its own feet without endless tales of life on the road as a stand up. But the brief mention of comedy includes this passage, and it is one I cannot help but feel a great deal of familiarity with. Speaking of how he would discuss and analyse comedy with friends, Sayle points out that his analysis was always that bit deeper:

“When I looked at the performance of a comedian on TV or the radio it was as if I could see inside it, know what the comic was attempting, what would be coming next; also I would sometimes hear or see something that got a laugh and yet I would feel that the response was undeserved, on account of it being obtained through some trick or because the audience were too cooperative, too willing to laugh uncritically.”

This does seem to be me saying ‘hai guyz I’m well cool and funny like and I well gets comedy innit’, and it sort of is. Because that passage of text resonated with me quite a lot. There’s no neatly tied-off ending here, it’s just something that’s popped up today.

Plus I genuinely told some people off the other week for laughing ‘too easily’ at a joke I made. HAVE SOME STANDARDS, PEOPLE.

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It’s good, but it’s not right

I have decided that I will spend $40 on Scrivener, as I’ve been using the beta stuff for years now and it’s well good. Why would I drop that dough on a writing program, when I have access to things like Word (which I “definitely paid for”)? Isn’t it obvious? Forget your useability, the fact it’s cleverly made and perfectly suited to the concept of writing in a non-linear, all-over-the-place fashion. Forget that it’s not just a word processor, it’s a writer’s tool. Forget the fact that if I tweet about it they will probably re-tweet me (and we all know how much we crave that action).

No, I want it so I can feel like I’m using the correct tool to write catchphrases.

Oh, I forgot to mention: I’ve decided I’m going to quit everything and sit in my pants for the rest of my life, writing catchphrase comedy. We all know it’s The Best Thing In The World, so it just makes sense for me to get involved.

Just to get you all warmed up, here are some catchphrases I have come up with so far (I have not decided on characters, settings, intonation or any actual details around these catchphrases, but since when has that mattered?):

“American cherries!”

“Who’da thunk it!”

“What are the odds!”

“Stop stabbing me!”

“I’ll take the third one!”

“And now you die!”

“And then I died!”

“And I’m dead!”

“Leave me alone, Hitler!”

“Leave me alone, Stalin!”

“Leave me alone, Pol Pot!”

“Leave me alone, Marie Curie!”

“And that’s why you always leave a note!”

The last one there may have been indirectly influenced by something else I heard somewhere, but I can’t be sure. Actually, that’s pretty good – one more for you:

“But I can’t be sure!”

I’ll be selling the rights to these catchphrases soon enough. Bidding starts at £10k per word.

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Shooting Stars cancelled? BOOOOOO

So after about ten billion years of somehow managing to exist, the BBC has finally cancelled Shooting Stars. I sort of expected it, but I didn’t really think it would be because they can’t afford it. I expected it to be deemed ‘not fit for some bullshit demographic’ or whatever other nonsense they want to come up with.

Small mercies.

For you see, Shooting Stars is one of the best things that has ever been. Just as Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer are two of the best people that have ever been. Seeing as they front(ed) the show, it fits that it is/was great and I love it.

But then, I’m part of the problem as I didn’t really watch much of the latest series. Sorry. My fault. Well, that and whoever it is that’s taking  all the money off the BBC.

Ah, Shooting Stars. The Fruit Drop Challenge. “Who let a Predator in?” Vic’s dancing to that ‘free from desire song’. Johnny Vegas proving, once more, he’s really funny. George Dawes being shit, apart from sometimes. Jarvis “The Weed In Tweed” Cocker. Greasy 50s binman. Dove From Above.

So much in my head. So much in the formative years. So many reasons why I am freely and openly described as weird all come back to Vic & Bob, and a lot come back to Shooting Stars specifically. I still rub my thighs to indicate attraction – mock or otherwise. I still love quickfire round questions like “name a junction on the M4” (“17” “Ahh, sorry – it was 12”).

I may have lapsed in recent years, but I never really moved on. I’m sorry Shooting Stars – I will miss you dearly.


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My plan to get on a TV comedy show (“don’t be funny”, apparently)

I’ve figured out how to get on TV (again), just as I’ve clearly always wanted to. Or something. I don’t know. Is that something you’re supposed to aspire to? Probably.

Anyway, the greatest comedy TV show of all time is on right now, Fast & Loose. Basically it’s like Whose Line Is It Anyway if it was really fucking bad. I lied about it being the greatest comedy TV show, by the way.

Anyway, seeing as I’m the funniest person alive I’ve decided I should be on it. Mainly because it’s so shit it would be really easy to be just as bad as the other schmucks on it. I lied about me being the funniest person alive, by the way. And I know just how to go about getting involved.

First I need a slightly weird face that isn’t traditionally good looking. Done. Second I need pastel colours and clothing fresh from Marks and Spencer. Not done, but I can do it if someone loans me loads of money because M&S isn’t cheap like Primark.

Then I need to say mainly unfunny, sometimes vaguely funny things that both have no character or depth of any fashion. Then I’ll fit right in. I could go to the doctor for an overall blandification, as that would be necessary. I’m far too exciting for it right now.

Oh jesus this double speak round is awful. These people are shit. I hate them.

No hope.

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Gervais, mong and about 800 words about it

I know you’ve been waiting for some kind of opinion on this whole Ricky Gervais saying ‘mong’ thing, what with me being both a prolific social commentator and the kind of person you all turn to for the base on which to form all of your own opinions. So here are some words.

A bit back – I can’t be arsed checking exactly when – Ricky Gervais, ‘the best comedian in the world’, decided he was going to come back to Twitter. He left a bit bit back – I can’t be arsed checking exactly when – for some reason – I can’t be arsed checking why. He came back and he started using the word ‘mong’.

Mong, if you’re not aware, is a disparaging term used to make fun of people with Down’s Syndrome. I used to call my brother a mong when we were kids. He would call me a mongoloid from Mongolia. Everything would be ‘mongy’ or ‘monged’ or ‘mong the merciless’ or whatever else.

Basically, it’s a word I know of and a word I used a lot in my earlier days. Still do, sometimes, very rarely, and when my brain isn’t thinking. And you know why? Because it’s still not a very nice thing to say.

Now, Gervais is saying he’s ‘reclaiming’ the word… yeah, you’re just as black as those that reclaimed nigger, or just as gay as those who reclaimed faggot and queer. Definitely exactly the same situation there, and certainly not just a man shouting a word because it gets a reaction from people. That’s not an argument, it’s not a leg to stand on – it’s a lie. It’s a hasty protection constructed to deflect criticism and make people think ‘oh, it’s all a hilarious ironic jokey satirical humorous take on society at large, the taboos we all face on a daily basis and our general humanity, as well as the changing face of morals and what is acceptable through the ages’.

Well, that or it makes them think they should call people who disagree with Gervais a mong.

There has been a defence mounted of ‘freedom of speech’ and whatever else, and to echo Richard Herring – I’m all for that. I’m all for talking about anything and everything. I’ve gone on before – very recently in fact – about how everything is funny or nothing is funny.

But that doesn’t mean it’s funny just because you say it.

When I was a kid saying mong I said that word because I knew it wasn’t a nice word to use. When I said it it was because 1) it wasn’t swearing so I was allowed to say it, and 2) it was mean, nasty and insulting. Just like whenever my parents were out of earshot I would swear, because I knew it was bad, I knew it would draw reactions from those around me.

I knew it would get attention.

Just like now when I make jokes about questionable subject matter, from paedophilia to racism and everything inbetween – it’s to get a reaction, nothing more. I know why I do it, and I don’t defend it as being some higher cause I’m pursuing.

I don’t lie to myself, I don’t lie to my fans, I don’t lie to those that try and question what I’m doing and I don’t spend my time – with the massive influence I have – trying to make people restart using a word that had fallen by the wayside with good reason.

I’m going on a bit here, but it has annoyed. I’ve long held the belief that Ricky Gervais isn’t as talented as people think, and his shock-schtick wore thin pretty much the first time I heard it. It’s never done with subtlety or class. There’s never anything clever about it – it’s just saying the words. There’s never any deeper meaning to it – it’s just trying to get a reaction.

That’s simplistic, cynical and – worst of all, from a comedic standpoint – lazy. If you want to ‘reclaim’ the word mong, do so in a way that has some intelligence and point behind it, not just because you’re the loud kid begging for attention. I wouldn’t want to have to shout you down as a faggy, mong-faced nigger now, would I?

But hey, what does my opinion count? I’m not worth millions and in loads of films and stuff, so clearly everything I say and think is irrelevant.

This’ll do for the send off:

Oh, and those slating Herring for his Hitler Moustache routine are brilliant. It couldn’t be further from an attention-grabbing stunt if it tried (alright, maybe it could be a bit further, but you get the point):


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Can I write for South Park please? Thanks.

I watched the Comedy Central mini-documentary thing on South Park earlier. Basically it offers an example of what it’s like creating an episode of the show – compared to other animated shows, which take months to make an episode, South Park takes six days. To do everything.

That’s something worth documentary…ising, I’d say.

What struck me as odd, watching it and seeing Matt & Trey doing their thang, was how much more it made me like them. I already like them an absurd amount, but watching them stress their way through the Human CentiPad episode damn near left me awe-struck.

My mancrush has grown.

It wasn’t until watching the doc I realised how few and far between their appearances in things like this, in interviews and whatever else are. They’ve never slapped themselves on everything and anything just to get their faces out there and voices heard. Dare I say it, they actually seem to have integrity.

And the bit where they’re talking about dropping acid then going to the Oscars is brilliant. So much disdain for Hollywood.

[wistful sigh]

Anyway, the most interesting part was clearly the writer’s room. I want to work there. I want to be in that room, shooting the shit and trying to make people laugh so these ideas get put in a stupid show that I genuinely love. I’m guessing you just send in a CV and they hire you, right?

What’s that? You have to have experience and a proven comedy track record? Baws. Ah well, I’ll just do my own thing. Who wants to write a sketch show with me?

I’m not joking.


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You People sicken me

I don’t think I’ve actually had a fully formed thought today. Instead I’ve just been amusing myself watching Doug Stanhope. So I’ll let you do the same, with the added bonus of SCIENCE. Let’s compare and contrast:

You People like this:

I like this:

You People find this hilarious:

I find this hilarious:

Thanks to SCIENCE, I think it’s clear to see I’m well cool and you’re all dweebs.

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