Tag Archives: crap

Seven reasons Star Wars is actually rubbish

Did you think Star Wars was great? Sorry to break it to you, but it’s actually a big pile of pump. Not the prequel trilogy, not the original films, not the Holiday Special, the Clone Wars series, the dozens of video games or even the toys. All of it. Every single last bit of anything to do with Star Wars is a load of dump-o, and it all comes down to these seven simple to understand reasons. Read and be enlightened, chaps and chapettes.

One massive story/scripting lie: Watch Return of the Jedi. See the part where the A-Wing crashes into the bridge of the Executor, causing it to crash into the Death Star II (killing, presumably, thousands)? That was a bizarre accident, as a result of the A-Wing being damaged and the pilot unable to control it, right? Wrong. According to the real, actual, genuine story, the pilot – Arvel Crynyd – crashed his space boat into the bigger space boat on purpose. It was a suicide dive. I don’t find that hard to believe, I just think it’s bullshit revisionist history concocted to give a crap pilot a grander story to take away from the fact that he was incompetent and got shot down. I don’t give two plops what’s in the script.

AT-ATs are modelled on dogs: Or camels, or horses, or cows – whatever it is they’re modelled on, it’s stupid. Model them on a massive fucking tank that can fuck shit up. Not after your favourite pet. How those designs were approved by the Emperor – which I’d assume all such huge decisions are – I do not know. Maybe Palpatine had a Labrador he loved dearly as a kid and used the design to remember his pooch in the only way he thought viable.

C3PO: This isn’t the fault of three-pee-oh himself – it’s how he was programmed. It’s just the fact that he was programmed by the most evil man in the universe and he still ended up being a hilarious pastiche of all gay men ever. An absolute coward, a pedant, a Negative Nancy, an eternal pessimist and an arrogant sonofabitch, how he does anything bar bring the whole Star Wars mythology down I do not know.

Han Solo is a racist: this one popped up as a suggestion from Anna, actually. Han speaks a variety of alien languages – we regularly see him chatting with Chewbacca, he has a natter with Greedo (before not shooting first) and his exchanges with Jabba The Hutt are always captivating. Especially when the former treads on the latter’s tail. But in all of these conversations, Han refuses to speak in the alien’s native tongue, instead sticking resolutely to Galactic Standard (“English”). This is clearly rude, and the only explanation can be that Han Solo is a massive racist. He does keep Chewie as a slave, after all.

Super Empire Strikes Back is too hard: Seriously. I just tried playing it after a break of about ten years. I remember now why I never got past about the third level. Fuck you, hard SNES games.

Lightsabers don’t exist: It honestly makes me sad.

General Rieekan’s uniform: He wears Strepsils. The man is clearly a lunatic, and not a General as he claims. If this had been noticed earlier, as it should have been, the man would not have been allowed to have any authority over the hundreds (or thousands) of rebels located in Echo Base. An evacuation order from someone you believe to be in charge is one thing, but when a man who chooses to wear a brand of throat lozenges tells you to abandon your snowy bunker it carries less gravitas.

And this is without even going into the myriad things that come up on things like the Family Star Wars’s’s’ (which is shit, but for very different (real) reasons) and Kevin Smith films, like how Lando steals Han’s clothes, or how thousands of independent contractors died on the second Death Star.

Safe to say: Star Wars is shit. You have been told.

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Why I hate blogs, including this one

Stupid crap full of self-centred nonsense that no one in their right mind would ever give a dusty old turd about. But enough about *insert contemporary reference here*! The witty, Brandt-esque cartoon above hits the nail on the head in a hilarious and satirical, Rory Bremner-esque fasion. It must be a laugh-esque riot hanging around Gregory, whoever the fuck-esque that is. Anyway let’s talk about why blogs are a big steaming pile of monkey crap.

1. We don’t give two dollops of sloppy poo about your life, your opinions or what you do, ever. Unless you inherited Superman’s powers and mixed them with the ability to produce diamond-encrusted gold bars from your bellybutton every time you say “IT’S A TRAP!” like Admiral Ackbar then you probably aren’t interesting enough to read about.

2. You can’t spell, or you don’t bother checking your spelinks. You have some internets all around you – why not use them? (This does not apply to me right now, as I’m far too tired to move the mouse pointer to the top right, click the Google search bar then type whichever word it is I want to check the spelink on)

3. You say things like ‘blogosphere’ or ‘collective’ and don’t immediately vomit blood from your eyeballs at the merest suggestion of such transgressions.

4. Blogs allow people to think they’re spending time constructively, when actually all they’re doing is writing a nonsensical list of a few things they’ve just thought of that second, while at the same time trying to make themselves laugh.

5. When you agree to do a blog a day for a year then get asked to go to Stockholm for a bit you suddenly realise it’ll be reasonably hard to get anything posted tomorrow or Wednesday unless Sweden has internet. I hear it doesn’t. They have Swede though.

That’s your lot for the day. Hope you feel fulfilled.

P.S. There is absolutely no irony whatsoever in me blogging about why blogs are shit. If you think there is, you’re an idiot and I hope your tits get gnawed off by AIDS-ridden cats. With little bitey ants all over them. Who then go on to poo on you. The cats, that is – not the ants. Ant poo would be insignificant at best.

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