Tag Archives: david cameron

Kill kill kill kill kill the poor

Thankfully we finally have a Dear Leader who knows what we – the common people of the nation – want in our lives. We all live as we do, be it aimlessly, with passion and drive, frugally, idiotically, boring..ly, sexily, even sexierly – whatever. People are different, and people are disparate, and people are, as a result, a confused mess.

But thanks to Davey Boy Cameron, we have something we can unite together against: The Poor.

Now you may think that’s a hasty definition of an individual, never mind a group. You may think it’s difficult to accurately judge what makes someone poor compared to, say, what makes someone happy with their lot. You might think it’s unfair to lambaste a subsection of society for not earning ‘enough’ money, or for requiring benefits to help them actually survive.

But you’d be wrong. Why? Well, because they’re poor.

As we all know, Poor People are worse than the Normal people (that’s you and I). Poor people smell bad, they look weird, they probably steal (it just makes sense). They don’t speak properly, they’re usually northern, they have the temerity to claim benefits from a system set up to help them out in times of need.

Basically, they’re the lowest of the low and they need to be eliminated.

So I’m over the moon at the fact David Cameron has fired the first salvo in his war on poverty. Not in the namby pamby, Guardian-reading loony left drivel way of ‘helping’ people and ‘getting them out of the rut’. This is war as in war. We are going to unite as one – we are going to unite as the Normal people we are and we are going to eliminate the scourge that is The Poor.

Once they are all dead, our society will be cleansed and we can all come together as friends, living forever in perfectly wealthy harmony.

And those of you that say ‘yeah, but surely if you eliminate the entire bottom rung of the wealth ladder you actively create a new bottom, thus redefining what it is to be ‘poor’ and beginning this whole sorry cycle of pointing the finger of blame at those less fortunate than the Normal people. Surely the entire concept of ‘poor’ is something dictated by societal norms, and societal norms are something that are changeable, malleable and constantly redefined – just like morals. Surely attacking one subsection of society for being different to Normal is the exact sort of behaviour that would come back to bite you on the arse in the future when you end up on the receiving end of the scorn, when you’re unable to defend yourself and nobody seems to want to defend you (because, as it stands, you’re no longer Normal). Surely it’s a bunch of lazy, hypocritical and disgusting behaviour encouraged by a bunch of out-of-touch rich cunts who have absolutely no interest in your well-being at all but will tell you they do if only to distract you from paying attention to just how cunty they are for a few days/weeks/months so they can carry on being pure evil’ can just shut up, because you’re wrong.

Dave said so.

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Fear and confusion from a hotel room

Apologies I missed yesterday – this was written then, but I wasn’t about to pay twenty fucking quid for internet access. I haven’t read it since yesterday, so it may well be awful and half-baked.

Where were you when the world ended? I was sat in a hotel room across the road from Gloucester Street (or Road, I can’t be bothered looking out of the window) tube station. I had just eaten a hearty, healthy meal of a chicken and mushroom slice and a scotch egg (26% of your daily saturates? NOM), with dessert of a double Double Decker waiting for me and a freshly-made coffee on the side. When the world ended, I was surrounded by deliciosity.

Even so, it didn’t manage to soften the blow that David Cameron was set to become our next Emperor. What is it the kids say? Oh yeah: FML.

I’m not as angry or full of despair as I was the other day – and I realise I’m going back on what I said about no more political posts, but hush down. I am still worried though, but more than anything I’m angry: at that yellow bastard for talking me into voting for his stupid, pointless party. These may well be words I eat as it comes out that it’s the most perfect unison of governmental parties in the history of the universe, but right now I’m as clued-up as the news, which is “not very much”. So baseless speculation it is:

Nick Clegg will be nothing more than a voiceless face sat next to Plumboy McToff, waiting silently until his party is dismantled from within by wheelings and dealings of Tory rats. The country will be into a financial spiral of Death and Destruction for those of us with little-to-no money and the Liberal Democrats – partners in this – will have no say on the matter. Blah blah other negativity – you get the picture.

It’s just a speculative fiction. I’m not placing any bets right now.

On a lighter side, it is funny to watch this on BBC’s rolling coverage. They have no idea what’s going on, and they’re even talking about how Brown was just caught in traffic as if that’s actually some kind of news. Le sigh.

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How to improve the political debates

I am at odds as to whether I’m going to bother watching the first live televised debate between the main political party leaders. It’s on in about 13 minutes and is sure to be… shit, really. Everything will have been so carefully stage-managed and vetted in advance that there are unlikely to be any ridiculous statements, any revelations or anything of worth said. That’s why the papers are more looking forward to someone stumbling over their words or sweating a bit too much or something – because nothing of worth will come from the ‘debate’ (otherwise known as ‘stage show’).

And so, with that in mind, I have a few suggestions for what Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg could do on TV instead. These ideas probably wouldn’t give us any further insight into each party’s policies, but neither is the real debate – at least my suggestions would be marginally more entertaining.

  1. Nudity and mud wrestling: In-between each round of questioning, the candidates are forced to strip naked, roll around in sloppy mud while play-fighting and scream their three main policies in as high-pitched a voice as they can. Then they get dressed and return to the podiums, only to repeat the process after the next question.
  2. Less men, more sexy ladies: Nobody wants to look at Nick Clegg. Cameron looks like a polished plum. And Brown? Fuck me, that’s some odd-looking shit. No – we, the British public, don’t want to see these idiots and their smug faces. We want to see sexy ladies, possibly on trampolines, carrying jugs of beer. And I’m not even going to make a ‘mass debate’ joke.
  3. Prizes: Of course, the ultimate prize may be the opportunity to run the country, but I think smaller spot prizes should be offered on the night. Cameron pulls off a spectacular answer to the question of “why are you such a toff prick?” and is awarded a small novelty pen for his eloquence. It would encourage the politicians to bring their ‘A’ game, and it would force them to be more entertaining.
  4. Violence should be allowed: David Cameron hits back at Gordon Brown with a smug comment about being “down with the people” or some nonsense along those lines. Brown leaves his podium, steps across the stage and breaks Cameron’s jaw. Hilarity ensues, and it would be some damn cathartic television.
  5. Gungeing: Self-explanatory, really.

And there you have it. I’ve actually managed to convince myself to watch the debates now, on the off chance they’ll have picked up on one of these ideas. Time for some politicking!


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