I have chronicled by valiant efforts in the human race to save lives before. Mainly because I’m well the same as SuperbMan and I save lives all over the place and I might as well boast about it.
Anyway, today I was flying home, as I do, when I witnessed what could only be described as a “horror crash”. About 48 gigantic, petrol-filled vehicles carrying orphans and shit all smashed into each other at an average speed of about 3,400 miles an hour.
Or maybe it was a van and a car. At about 10 miles an hour. It was difficult to see from my vantage point. In the sky. Because I was flying. Like SuperbMan.
Anyway, after I’d carried the poor 55-year-old woman out of her burning vehicle to a safe distance, I noticed her four dogs in the car had all been killed. Naturally I performed mouth-to-pooch (I SAID POOCH) resuscitation and brought them all back to life, then gave them a Bonio each, or something.
Or maybe she got out of the car herself and her car wasn’t on fire. And she was 55. But her dogs weren’t dead. Maybe. The adrenaline rushing through my veins at the time might have warped my judgement somewhat.
Oh, and I might have just stood around holding the dogs for a bit, trying to calm them down.
Basically what I’m saying is I stood around stroking some dogs before giving my phone number to a hot policewoman. Purely for professional reasons, naturally. That means I saved lives today> Dog lives, mainly. BUT LIVES.
Surely I’m owed something now? I’m up to, like, seven or eight lives saved now. Someone send me a hamper or something.