Tag Archives: dogs


I have chronicled by valiant efforts in the human race to save lives before. Mainly because I’m well the same as SuperbMan and I save lives all over the place and I might as well boast about it.

Anyway, today I was flying home, as I do, when I witnessed what could only be described as a “horror crash”. About 48 gigantic, petrol-filled vehicles carrying orphans and shit all smashed into each other at an average speed of about 3,400 miles an hour.

Or maybe it was a van and a car. At about 10 miles an hour. It was difficult to see from my vantage point. In the sky. Because I was flying. Like SuperbMan.

Anyway, after I’d carried the poor 55-year-old woman out of her burning vehicle to a safe distance, I noticed her four dogs in the car had all been killed. Naturally I performed mouth-to-pooch (I SAID POOCH) resuscitation and brought them all back to life, then gave them a Bonio each, or something.

Or maybe she got out of the car herself and her car wasn’t on fire. And she was 55. But her dogs weren’t dead. Maybe. The adrenaline rushing through my veins at the time might have warped my judgement somewhat.

Oh, and I might have just stood around holding the dogs for a bit, trying to calm them down.

Basically what I’m saying is I stood around stroking some dogs before giving my phone number to a hot policewoman. Purely for professional reasons, naturally. That means I saved lives today> Dog lives, mainly. BUT LIVES.

Surely I’m owed something now? I’m up to, like, seven or eight lives saved now. Someone send me a hamper or something.

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Dog reviews. No, really. (7/10)

I’ve mentioned before that dogs are brilliant, so now I’m going to review some types of dog so you idiots know which ones get the best dog for your buck. Also because I can’t think of anything else to write about that involves as little effort as this while at the same time has potential to amuse/annoy one or two people. It’s an economical blog, this one.

All small dogs
Pointless, really. You might as well get a different animal, like a small pig or something, for sheer novelty value. I mean I could theoretically accept a small dog into the household, but I draw the line at those stupid fashion things that idiots have. But when there are so many more, better, bigger dogs available, why go for small?

All mutts/crossbreeds/sub-pedigrees
Quite clearly the best dogs you can get. Who needs thoroughbred when you can get something that was both born in, and eats from, a bin? Plus you can get stupid mixes that you really don’t think should be able to work, like a Daschund crossed with a Great Dane or something. Alright, so I’ve never seen that, but the comedy potential is endless. Also my last dog was a MUTT. Winners.

Labradors and/or Golden Retrievers
Some see them as a boring, obvious choice. Some people should also shut the fuck up before I set my Lab on them and it eats everything in their house within the space of an hour, causing them to starve to death. YEAH. I’ve never actually had much contact with Retrievers, but they look similar to Labs so they’re clearly brilliant. And funny.

I want an Alsatian. Long-haired. I will teach it to kill you if I give the signal. The signal will be something subtle like “GO AND KILL THAT PERSON RIGHT NOW, DOG, FOR I COMMAND YOU TO WRENCH THEIR VERY FLESH FROM THEIR BONES! HOOOOOOOOOOO!” It will be awesome. And cute.

Irish Wolfhound
Massive, basically. Making them some of the best dogs available. They were made to kill wolves, literally. I want about five of these.

Yeah, that wasn’t funny really. I just want a dog now. Lots of dogs.

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A public service announcement RE: walking

This is a public service announcement from Dransfield Industries, a subsidiary of Dransfield Incorporated, which represents parent company Dransfield Dransfield.

26 July, 2010. Bournemouth, England.

Statement begins:

WOMEN, men, children, dogs and everything in-between are being offered advice for if a reasonably large, northern man begins walking anywhere in the vicinity of them. This man, it has been noted, is not a threat to you, your safety, your belongings or your way of life. Just because this man has decided to walk on the same stretch of pavement as you does not mean he is about to murder you most violently. Or even make eye contact.

It has been noted by Dransfield Industries that many women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between act surprised by the appearance of this man on pavements. They have been known to cross roads in what is not always – but quite clearly sometimes – a way of getting away from the man. Looks of confusion, if not genuine fear, are commonplace whenever this man comes within a certain distance of many women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between.

We at Dransfield Industries, as well as employees at Dransfield Incorporated and the management team at Dransfield Dransfield would like to offer this piece of advice to all women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between, whether they seem to fear this man or not: he is not going to hurt you in any way, shape or form. You do not need to look behind you, cross roads, eye up any nearby items that could be used as makeshift weaponry, call MI6, run away or throw a smoke bomb at the ground before vanishing. This man is not a murderer, rapist, mugger, bumper-intoer, insulter or attacker.

Dransfield Industries would like to confirm he is just a largeish man who walks quite fast. We ask that all women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between remain calm on seeing him in the streets. He is of no threat to anyone.

Statement ends.


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