Tag Archives: e3

Another new console announced: this one better than Wii U

Having just watched the announcement of the Wii U, I have decided clearly anybody can design a console. As such, here is a console I have designed. It will play awesome games to the max. Here is is:

It is called the FunTastrophe 9000. It is modelled on a honey roast ham (with a face) and is actually made from honey roast ham (with a face drawn on it). This is so when hungry from playing games you can snack on it, and when you’ve finished it or it goes off you will have to buy another one, thus making the machine highly profitable.

The face is so it appeals to children, as children like happy ham. As far as I’m aware. I never liked sad ham as a child.

We all like portability, so the FunTastrophe 9000 will have wheels on it. This means you can roll it down small hills and off sweet jumps. You can even make it do sweet stunts if you want! And who doesn’t want to jump their ham? Only a moron.

The exhausts are so fumes can be channelled out somewhere, and as a result I’m thinking it’ll definitely be environmentally friendly. I love the environment, me.

Every console needs peripheral-things, so the FunTastrophe 9000 comes with a claw and a pincer/two-pronged trident (bident?) in case you need to pick up small cuddly toys or hunt mermaids. Or mermen – I am not a sexist.

Also it has free grass on top of it.

Basically, it’s the best thing in the world, ever.

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Wondering children. Childlike wonder, I mean.

I think I’ve figured out part of the reason why I play videogames: it’s my job. Oh, I also thought of another, less obvious reason too, which I might elaborate on now. Not sure. Maybe. Oh, go on then. A bit of back story to this wild and wacky tale, though.

This week has seen the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) in Los Angeles, where all manner of new, shiny and exciting videogames are revealed to the world. Throughout history (since 1995) it’s been a source of wonderment to me: new properties are revealed, consoles we’d never thought possible are revealed and there are lots of “sexy” “ladies” standing around in skimpy costumes sure to make their parents proud.

Now, as a young ‘un – and especially before the internet existed in my life – E3 was the best thing ever. It was like Christmas, except with less disappointment. Though you didn’t get any Lego. New this, new that, surprise here, surprise there. As things progressed it still stayed high on my radar, as the surprises still came – the ‘megatons’ still flew. I expected this year’s event to bore me, as seeing as I now work in the industry I am privy to insider knowledge, and as such thought I knew everything that was to be announced at the show.

Fortunately for my tiny child brain, I was wrong. There was a surprise (the Portal 2 announcement) that genuinely made me very happy, made me feel like a giddy child again. And this is why I love videogames – why I still play them regularly. They always remind me of that sense of childlike wonder you can have with the world, and it’s something I see more and more people losing as they get older.

I’m still a cynical bastard, mind you.

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FIFA World Cup 2010 predictions – groups G-H

Right, last one now and a lot later than I intended to do it so it’ll probably be worse than the other three – and they were pretty bad. Ah well. Read on, reader.

Group G

Brazil: See, I don’t really care about Brazil in any World Cup – I just accept they’re great. I care even less right now that my brain is dominated by post-Sony conference E3 thoughts.

Ivory Coast: Like, when can I play Twisted Metal? What did Gabe’s half sentences about Steamworks mean? Is PS3 getting Steam? That would be amazing.

Portugal: It’s fun how E3 has managed to actually ignite some excitement from me for once – the last few years have been abject failures on that front. Twisted Metal! Kevin Butler is funny too. I reckon they’ll get a bit more use out of that character. He’s funny.

North Korea: Oh look – North Korea! I wonder if anyone there is even aware there’s a new Twisted Metal game coming out. I hope there is. If only a handful of secret North Korean nerds. Hard as that might be.

Group H

Spain: Wait, right, football. Errm… Spain are a team who are well good, like. I think they will do well in the football Word Cup, and that “Torres” will score some goals. I wish he still had a mullet though. Don’t know why, I just do.

Switzerland: Oh yes, THE SWISS. The monsters of the footballing world, known for their fury and sheer emotion on the pitch – as well as on the world stage. Filthy neutrals. They do have a chance to get out of this group, mind, as they’ve done well up to now.

Honduras: Another one of those teams you don’t really understand why they’re in the finals. Also I called them Costa Rica the other day, though that’s acceptable because I was thinking about Paulo Wanchope. And probably Twisted Metal.

Chile: What do Chile have going for them these days? I lost track of them in the early noughties, so I have no idea where they’re at right now. Probably shit. Oh well. Out in the group stage after the monsters of Switzerland beat them into a tearful submission.

Be fair now – it wasn’t as painful as you think it was. Maybe it made you laugh? Oh, screw you. I don’t give a shit if you laugh or not. You sick bastards. You suck.


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